maybe a lot of the time it's not people coming to me with problems but me looking to fix "broken" people.
but not everyone's broken!

maybe i need to stop thinking about how often i deal with problems that aren't my own.

literally school is the most nauseating thing in the world right now.
i can't picture myself sitting in a classroom listening to a lecture that i don't understand. or having to write a paper on rebirth symbolism in moby dick. i thought we finished that book...
actually, i'm really glad she gave the "hawaiians" and extension on that paper.
all i want to do really is go to chem and talk to doc about marcell the shell with shoes on... because doc is the cutest.

tomorrow will be good... and productive.

i just really want my room to be clean and not have to put in the work...

i just want all of this to stop.

"I'm tired of carrying around the weight of the world. I'm just going to lay it down now" -May, Secret Life of Bees.
i mean, this was May's suicide note... but i can relate to these words.

in all honesty, if i didn't listen to anyone else's problems, i wouldn't have any problems in my life. everything's going pretty alright for me personally... i'm just tired of carrying around the weight of the world. i'm tired of being that girl. i told my mom that today and she said "so don't be." but i don't know how to just stop caring about everyone else. and i can't give up on these people that need my help.

"but sometimes i'm scared right out of my mind, and sometimes i just get angry
because i've been let down by the people that i love
but i will not let down the people who love me" -paul baribeau, never get to know.

ha, what's us history?

hawaii was beautiful. i'm so sad to be back.

i'm currently so tired.

and not just physically. i'm emotionally tired.

basically, in hawaii everyone was like "hey abby, i'm going to tell you everything that's ever been wrong in my life now and you're going to have to carry this with you. sound good? okay so this and this and this happened. what do you think of that?"

there's only so much i can take...

i'm not a doctor... i'm happy to sit with you and listen and help.

i'm glad you trust me with this information.

but... for once i'd like to enjoy myself instead of worrying about EVERYONE else.

...i'm such a mom.

"you'd be good together. he needs someone like you."

...let's just go repeat history...

sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough

and things go wrong no matter what i do.

can i just say that while this month has been great, the amount of suckage in this month is much greater than others.

i just don't understand how things can be going so right and then turn so terribly wrong.

my grandfather died this morning of alzheimer's. his birthday is this friday. he'd had alzheimer's for 5ish years. when he was first diagnosed i remember going to visit and not fully understanding why he didn't know who i was or why he was uncomfortable to hug me. now i know that it's because i was a stranger.

my grandmother is apparently very down. she's never been alone in her life. she visited him every day in the nursing homes. i just worry about her.

my dad cried in front of me for the first time. that made me cry. i'm not expecting him to be strong. he came home today and walked in my room and asked if he could hug me. when did we get to this point in our relationship where he has to ask to do that? i'm really grateful to have him in my life. i have probably the most supportive and incredible family.

i don't know how to deal with death. there has been so much of it this month. it's funny how when this season comes around and the plants start to die and everything starts to slow down that death is just so prominent. it's almost fitting in a weird way.

i'm not too incredibly shaken up which worries me. i mean, i've been anticipating this day for 5 years.

alzheimer's is such a depressing thing. to think that your brain is slowly losing all of its memories and abilities and eventually leading to your death. that is the slowest way to die.

at least now Papa is whole again. he's probably up there looking down at us and seeing how much we've grown in the five years he's been gone. i hope he's proud of who we've become.

it's so stupid of me, but i'm being very selfish here. the wake is scheduled for friday afternoon and i will most likely miss school for it. on top of missing friday i'm out all of next week for hawaii. and friday is an important day to be in school seeing as it's the last day for a week. teacher's planned so many things on friday... i have two test and a paper. and to grab makeup work.

i'm just so unbelievably stressed and i'm so frustrated with myself because that is so selfish.

Rest in Peace Robert Desharnais. there is so much love down here for you. i'm sure you're looking down at all of us with your welcoming smile. i'll miss your hugs and even though you never said much i know that you loved all of us.

but i like to think that at least things can't get any worse

florence <333

anyway.

okay. here's what's been going on lately.

sport's awards night.

-michelle won the little green! field hockey was repping!

-i won mvp? WHAT?

-my coaches nominated me for the allstate team?! wahttTT??!

-varsity letter <3

allstate audition

-they were running half an hour late. that was the worst part... waiting.

-they called my name. i walked into the room and was super relaxed.

-the speaker told me to play the hardest part of the first song. i sighed because i knew it was going to happen... i did iffy. (the person before me was worse...)
-i did way better on the other stuff.

-i went to play my scales. i forgot how to play the clarinet momentarily... they people were like "uhhh, do you want to try that again?" ... embarrassing.. haha

-my chromatic scale was PERFECT.

-i walked back and was like "k, donee..."

school today

-i made allstate.

-WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

-honestly didn't think i would. i am one of 14 clarinets in the state that made it. whoa.

-obama decided that central was a cool place to come to school... playing for him tomorrow. not even going to classes. that's totes okay with me.

after school today

-MY CAMERA CAME.

-it's beautiful... no one understands because no one has seen it...

-i need to figure out how to work all of the different modes. i feel like a n00b...

honestly. i don't deserve all of these good things happening to me right now.

i'm just this lazy kid that has really good luck... (if only this applied to history tests...)

i need to go read moby dick and try not to fall asleep. this book is... melville-y..

he's trying to hard to make it an all-american classic. and it's annoying.

a whole chapter describing the color white? really melville? really?

everything's beautiful and nothing hurts.

can we just read vonnegut for the rest of the year?

happiness hit her like a train on the tracks

i have 1 week to perfect my allstate music...

oh no.

i have to read 10 chapters today and tomorrow...

of probably the most boring book in the entire planet.

whoot, amstud...

(i really don't regret it. just... moby dick. and history.)

things

i didn't go treat or treating this year.

i could've... but i didn't.

i said i had homework, which i do. it's almost 11pm and i've only written one poem that i needed to do.

still have history homework...

still have my brainstorming for the poem...

mr. silveira responded to my email with a smiley face...

i laughed.

i'm sure he's gotten worse test grades.

indoor field hockey game.

we played 4 vs. 4. (our team only had 6 players, theirs only had 3.)

but abby... 6 + 3 is 9.

yeah well... goalie's tend to not matter in winter league.

like, whatever. i had a shutout. it didn't matter...

6-0. whoot.

everything that i'm a part of/was a part of is losing people's interest.

i'm still all for it yet 5 people show up.

i give up.

i give and i give

and i give my all.
and then EVERYTHING is taken from me.

i'm just so sick of it.

i'm no one's first choice. and i'm all alone.

music and history. allstate. bringing up my low c...

things i need to focus on.

the shortest fall

today hasn't been good.

i have a head cold. but it's like, more than that.
i don't know how to explain it. i just feel so yucky.

i don't believe in medicine. so... yeah.

just sleep. and healing. and lots of tea.

learning a lot about myself.

basically, i care about other people more than myself. and while that's not really a problem, i just get too wrapped up in other people's lives. and i feel like i'm intruding. and like i'm annoying. and even though i try really hard to help them, if i can't i feel hopeless. and if i can't help what's the point in getting into it anyway? i wish i didn't care so much.

i wish i were one of those girls that only cares about herself. and worries about her own life. and has fun.

i practiced for 2 hours on thursday. 2 hours. that's a record for me. usually i get too frustrated with myself before 2 hours and have to stop.

but this time i kept going. and i got so much accomplished. and i watched a video teaching me about melodic minors. because no one else can...

like, why couldn't we just play natural minors for our auditions? ...whatever.

3ish weeks...

it's snowing. hardcore. and i'm cold.

and i just want to go to hawaii. that's all.

my dad firmly believes i could get into an ivy league...

okay dad...

thank you but...

and looking back..

this weekend was really incredible.

hung out with megan and tracey? what? we had time for eachother? <333

got new sneakers and a blackberry? okay dad. way to just spoil me to death.

i'm very okay with this, however i can't imagine him spending this much money on me all the time. especially where he's at job-wise.

okay, i need to fix my speech i guess.

if i can figure out what ms. mac was trying to say...

but i will not let down the people who love me

so stressed that i've literally broken down several times.

so far, not liking junior year. like, at all.

on top of that, and the lack of sleep...

7-1. that's the worst score so far.

- i'm frustrated

- our diamond formation for defense DOESN'T WORK. seriously. we need to go back to diagonals.

- my theory is that literally after i got that bruise i haven't been playing to my biggest potential and i definitely let the team down. if i don't have more saves than the number of goals, i didn't play well. that's where i stand.

|-> no one understands that... but if you were goalie you'd put that pressure on yourself. and you'd take every goal personally too.

- i'm sooooo frustrated that we say all of these things before games/during practice and we NEVER DO THEM during games. EVER.

- i don't understand why the team that ends the last ten minutes of the game isn't the team that steps on the field. we play so much harder in desperation than we do when we step onto the field.

- i'm too hard on myself.

- we need to practice how we play and play how we practice.

mainly i'm angry at myself. but i don't want to hear anything from everyone else.

i already know: 1. there are 10 other people on the field before the ball comes to me.

2. this team is number 3 in our division.

3. we scored on our first shot on goal. they didn't.

i understand.

but like i said, no one really gets it unless they're a goalie.

i internalize so much.

on the car ride home i broke down. pretty much blubbering.

i don't do that often.

thank god for my mother, that's all i have to say.

i was home and awake for 2 hours this entire weekend...

my teachers can chill about homework.

writing up some quick things for english about my speech and then passing out.

i mean, it was a fun weekend, don't get me wrong.

but it's been gross outside.

and i've felt gross

and i don't think i've ever been this exhausted.

aww olivia! pullbacks!

i miss tap. like, all the time.

and just dance in general...

hi. so i have to do this outline for a speech on why social networks shouldn't exist and that they're the leading cause of procrastination...

example being, look at what i'm doing right now...

anyway, field hockey was awesome today. we played the best ever.

i mean, we lost 2-1 in overtime. but we were amazing. that's all that matters.

super intense game tomorrow to qualify for playoffs...

nashua south. they haven't won yet...

no pressure.

20 saves today? somehow i don't believe that.

if we ever have to do penalty shots i will pee my pants. all over the place. no even kidding.

that's my biggest fear ever. haha

what else can i say to pass time...

#i'dratherbesleeping.

OH NO.

i literally just realized i haven't practiced for allstate since my lesson.

why don't i make time for music?

gahhhh.

i'm currently writing a paper on puritans. and if religion help or hurt them.

i still don't know what side i'm on.

like, it help them because the rules became so rigid that everyone was extra careful about what they were doing but it hurt them because like, people would beat themselves for sinning and try to make it up to God.

i think i'm going with it helped them...

ugh.

i haven't written a paper in so long...

olivia quoted avril lavigne. everything is beautiful and nothing hurts?

oh right... i have a blog.

soooo, school.

that's why. ^ answer to all of your questions about where i've been/what i've been up to/ what i like/ what i hate/ everything.

first paper for amstud due tomorrow. i should probably do sort of well on that and leave a good first impression.

i should probably do sort of well on everything so that they don't hate me...

they don't hate me... they just don't know my name. because i don't participate. because i don't know background stuff that people learned in apworld. haha

it's alright.

field hockey. we're 2-2. both games that we won i had shutouts...

i don't even know. teh two games we lost combined i gave up 7 goals? like what?

whatever.

i like only having 5 core classes. and 2ish mods off.

i should've taken notes...

we have a quiz on history stuff tomorrow...

we have a quiz on math stuff tomorrow...

i have mods a-c off tomorrow? yay band.

shaving + lotion = magical.

...just saying...

alright, this has been sufficiently awkward.

i used to want you so bad

i'm so through with that

'cause honestly you turned out to be the

best thing i never had

i got my schedule. i guess i'm okay with it.

same exact classes as tracey... none with megan...

words with friends is taking up my life...

what else is new? hahaha

and for once it might be grand to have someone understand.

i want so much more than they've got planned...

quoting beauty and the beast to start off a blog post. gonna be a good one.

tomorrow's freshman orientation. awww yeah. i get to participate... haha

lesson!

ugh. so helpful. i wish i had lessons every week.

she's so nice and wonderful.

main points:

-she said i had an awesome tone.

-she said i should get a better mouthpiece.

-she said i should be all set and that i've got some pieces down.
-my speed was good.

-YAY!

basically, she helped so much and she's like "i'd love to have a few more lessons with you!"

we played together too. ugh, so awesome.

i'm having a legitimate lesson tomorrow

a clarinet lesson. with a legitimate instructor.

that's never happened before.

basically, my skill level is what i've learned from my mother, syms, and myself.

i've basically taught myself everything.

and i'm a little excited to figure out if what i know is completely wrong or not.

and i'm pretty nervous to see if i'm halfway as decent as i think i am.

like, whenever i think i sound good i might not. and that scares me. because what if i have to change everything that i know?

change is good.

learning is good.

professionals are good.

stephanie is so nice! i really shouldn't worry.

she also knows how little i've practiced this music... hopefully she'll take that into consideration.

i've got two songs pretty much down. mechanics-wise at least. not up to speed or anything. but pretty consistently.

i'm really curious as to how she runs her lessons.

this is going to be an interesting experience.

it kills me

how i can't go more than an hour without seeing something that reminds me of you.

and now that i know that i'm wasting my time i just get frustrated with myself.

everything is just so confusing. and just weird. and i literally sit around for hours a day just thinking about what i'm doing with my life.

i feel like there's two sides here. there's things that i need to do to function normally and there are things that i do just because i can.

there's the school/field hockey/band side which takes up a lot of my life. but then there's the teenage blogger side. and that side is confused.

i've had moments recently where i sit and think about who i am.

typically i never come to a conclusion.

but i'm okay with that i think. i'm okay with the different sides. i wouldn't say that i have different personalities. because they all seem to collect into one.

i've just been doing a lot of thinking lately. things don't make sense.

i don't like it a lot of the time.

things make me cry. that's not a good time.

but then there's always the moment where i'm laying in bed and i look up and see those old glow in the dark stars on my ceiling and i think that everything's okay.

(this didn't make any sense.)

first driving adventure today

also, first driving follow train today.

i just really like driving. and i really like music.

and i really like being able to jam in the comfort of a vehicle by myself.

and i really like trying to belt out stuff that i normally wouldn't try and not be afraid of people judging me and then laughing when i can't do it.

and i like the fact that i can laugh at myself for it.

and i like that field hockey started. and that we're going to be awesome.

and i like that megan's birthday party is tomorrow and i'll get to see people that i typically don't see.

i don't like that i still have to read about 900 pages of summer reading stuff in 2 weeks.
shoot. literally two weeks from today. ew. no.

i made varsity field hockey

which is awesome because yaknow, varsity sports are cool. right?

i don't know, i'm happy. it's a big accomplishment.

now my friction burns just have to heal and everything will be all set...

(ugh, showering tonight is not going to be fun.)

i was gonna write about something more important than field hockey. but i forgot.

so it probably wasn't more important...

okay, bye

driving experiences...

i mean, i guess these things had to happen sooner or later.

i missed an exit today on the highway. that was super stupid. i second guessed myself. luckily i knew where the next exit let off in terms of where i needed to be. it all worked out. it was just super embarrassing.

i almost hit a deer today. that was terrifying. that's literally my biggest driving fear. i don't know why... but hitting any animal is just so scary to me. the window was open, and i heard a rustling. i looked over and saw the deer. and then it sprinted across the road like 10 feet in front of me and i was just thinking "please don't stop in front of me, i won't stop fast enough." but it kept going. oh man. so scary.

laugh attack at dinner tonight

like, the kind where i'm not making any sound, everyone's laughing at me and i'm crying.

those are my favorite (:

basically, you had to be there. but i'll explain it. (i'm literally laughing thinking about it again.)

so i sit across from my brother corey. the salad bowl was right in front of me. (that's the background information. [it just took me 8 tries to type information])

so he looks at the tv, looks back at me, glances towards the table and he says something. he mumbles a lot when he talks so sometimes i can't hear him. after he said what he said i lifted up the salad bowl to pass to him.

what i thought he said: "can i have some salad, too?"

what he really said: "i have this album too."

we listen to music on our tv. the 500's have music stations. yeah. haha

so i thought he was talking about the salad. he wasn't. it was really funny. the look on his face when i handed him the salad bowl was priceless. hahaha

i never realize how much time i spend waiting

like i literally waste so much of my life waiting for things to happen.

and when i look back at all of the things i could've accomplished instead of waiting it really sickens me.

every single person that i spend time on and wait for something to happen is the biggest waste of time ever though.

i mean, the during is nice. but the after i'm sitting here thinking about why.

but you don't like me, you just like the chase.

to be real, it doesn't matter anyway.

-jojo... hahaha

just annoyed, yaknow?

some days people piss me off.

and i can't do anything about it.

it's just this particular person that i can literally talk to about anything for any amount of time.

we're so completely different. i don't understand how our friendship works.

but we talk and talk and talk.

and then this person will say something and i'll just get so annoyed.

and most of the time i don't say anything.

but i've been trying this new thing lately where i say how i feel.

so... yeah.

you know what sucks?

when you run three miles and come home and your dad is like "LOLZ, LET'S HAVE THE MOST FATTENING FOOD ON THE PLANET. PIZZA!"

...thanks dad.

well, i did it.

and now i may regret it.

and i have goosebumps. and i'm a little nauseous. but i think this is for the better?

i'm nervous.

go to the ends of the earth for you...

to make you feel my love.

last summer i was

trying not to fall in love with anyone.

because there's way too much work to get done...

LOL blogging about people indirectly...

i'm trying really hard to work up the courage. i promise. i'm thinking about telling you.

i mean, since i think about you all the time i think about what would happen if i tell you.

there's really three options.

-things will change for the better

-things will change for the worse.

-nothing will change

and i think i'm okay with two of those options.

here's where i'm holding back.

-i don't want to compete with two other people.

-i can't compete with the two other people...

-i'm still trying to think of what i'll say.

-i'm still trying to think of how i'll say it.

-i'm afraid of that second option up there...

i'm only sure of maybe 4 people that read this blog.

the others i'm not completely sure about.

it's the other people that make me wonder.

and some of the things that i want to write i may not be able to just because of those other people.

When all of the beauty turns to pain
When all of the madness falls like rain
As long as we crash and we collide
We will be gorgeous, you and I.

2 for the price of 1!

two posts today...

but i just wanted to say that i'm learning a lot at field hockey camp.

and there's a game tomorrow morning and i hope i can do some block tackling and maybe ever a corner tackle. this makes no sense to anyone right now...

basically... that's when goalies attack the ball and sprawl out and dive and stuff.

it's scary. but it works. and i can't really do it right but i need to practice. and the only way i can do that is in game situations. so yeah.

definitely trying a block tackle tomorrow.

okay. if you're reading this right now i want you to know that you're wonderful. and important. and never think otherwise, okay?

i never wrote about wilderness camp..

oh my goodness.

well, the whole week went by so fast. i almost missed it going by.

it was hot. really hot. like, the hottest ever.

i sang a lot. with little kids about God and how he is so big and strong and mighty. and about how God is our rock and foundation for life. and a lot of praising and worshiping went on.

i love it there.

i also love 5 year olds.

"Jesus is my favorite super hero!"

awwwww.

my mom just came into my room

and she was wearing a poncho and sombrero and asked me if the poncho was too short.

that woman... she is something else. i hadn't laughed with her in a while so that was nice.

she's genuinely my best friend. i don't even care if that's lame.

i wish i went to a church where people were more open about their faith

my church is so private. and i feel like no one wants to be there. and it's just depressing.

i convinced my mom to try new churches. we're doing that soon.

wilderness camp all this week. so happy-making

but so tired. i'm exhausted. even though it was the first day. maybe i should get more than 6 hours of sleep? yeah. good idea.

sleepyspice.com

this probs isn't a real website. it's a long story...

went for a run today

definite regression from before. but obviously i wouldn't be the same because i hadn't run in a week.

i'm not a superhero... i can't just stay the same forever and ever.

in other news... going kayaking tomorrow? sweettt. bringing my camera. i really love kayaking.

kinda gross stuff ahead.

i've never really had as many pms symptoms as i have this week.

not a fan.

seriously. so moody.

it's too hot to practice.

the air gets to my head and i can't breathe correctly and my sound is just terrible.

i get so frustrated all the time, and i write about it all the time.

i just feel like no progress is being made. i need help.

change.

i just reformatted everything in life. hahaha

new blog layout, new tumblr layout. everything's nice and cleaned up now.

i feel good

3 miles in 30 minutes

and i’m proud.
i hate to even say this but freshman year my mile time was like 15 minutes. you could walk that fast…
to get down to even 10 minutes has been a struggle and now i’m running 3ish miles straight

i don’t want to hear that you time is so much better than that. i don’t want to hear that you just ran 8 miles today. 3 miles and 30 minutes is outstanding and i’m proud of myself.

just try and bring me down

good things.

cleared things up and now i don't have to think about them anymore.

paul baribeau. starting today. his lyrics... i just...

lyrics are what i listen to in songs. that over anything is most important.

and then the voices. and then the musical talent. unless it's an instrumental...

we are young, we run free

Keep our teeth, nice and clean,
See our friends, see the sights, feel alright,
We wake up, we go out, smoke a fag,
Put it out, see our friends,
See the sights, feel alright,

Are we like you?
I can't be sure,
Of the scene, as she turns,
We are strange in our worlds,

But we are young, we get by,
Can't go mad, ain't got time,
Sleep around, if we like,
But we're alright,
Got some cash, bought some wheels,
Took it out, 'cross the fields,
Lost control, hit a wall,
But we're alright,

Are we like you,
I can't be sure,
Of the scene, as she turns,
We are strange in our worlds,

But we are young, we run free,
Keep our teeth, nice and clean,
See our friends, see the sights, feel alright,

Are we like you,
I can't be sure,
Of the scene, as she turns,
We are strange in our world,

But we are young, we run free,
Keep our teeth, nice and clean,
See our friends, see the sights, feel alright.

-Alright by Supergrass

i don't find things awkward anymore

maybe this time, i'll be lucky

it's gonna happen, happen sometime.

maybe this time i'll win.

sometimes i sit and i think.

i think about what it would be like if i took more chances.

if i didn't try hard.

if i didn't sit in my room at night like a good child.

i think about how it would feel to just run free.

i really wish someone would run with me.

insert nora jones "come away with me" ?

but other than that...

AHHH, i just want to go and take chances and stuff. but the repercussions scare me.

"tanning"

i can sit outside for 5 minutes or 3 hours and either get no color or very red.

being 75% irish is annoying.

where's that tiny bit of portuguese? i wish my skin got some color... whatever.

olivia's a better blogger than me

haha (:

so summer.

friday right after band stupidness i went shopping for 5 hours... no big deal.

and then saturday we had a campfire. and s'mores. there was lightning going on far away and fireflies were out.

three different light shows at once. it was gorgeous and i loved every minute of it.

and today, for father's day we had a cookout. and then strawberry shortcake. and it was yummmyyy.

catz catz catz. crying over catz. i can't hug every cat!

(LULWAT?) i don't even know guys. it's that video thing.

tomorrow is being proud of larry day. because he's doing a recital. he just plays perfectly, no big deal.

tomorrow's also field hockey day? ish? that's cool bro. i like that sport.

gotta start that plan sometime too. that running plan. yeah...

the thing is, i like running. and i wish i were better at it. it's just so much work to get myself to go. mehhh.

okay. you're all beautiful.

blogging gets harder when i have nothing to say... especially during the summer when those moments come more frequently. that's usually when my brain starts to walk away from me...

(i also have 5 books to read this summer. one of which is in french. no big deal.)

no big deal count: 3

bio and english finals tomorrow

everything's just ending so quickly. summer means getting a job and i don't really want to do that... you know?

not as inspired as i was yesterday... i started writing a blog post and then i was like "ehh, i'm tired." so i slept. typical.

graduation was sad. a lot better than i expected, but still completely sad.

right under my feet is air, made of bricks that pulls me down; turns me weak for you...

which forgive you each time without me knowing, they melt my heart to stone.

and i hear your words that i made up,

you say my name like there could be an us

i best tidy up my head i'm the only one in love, i'm the only one in love.

so that song... yeah. that song.

tuned the band for the first time on class day. that was fun... tuned everyone sharp.

hahaha, like i would. whatever. it was hot.

tuned the band for the second time at graduation. not sharp. sweet.

i'm just full of good stories today...

first of all, sorry for blog neglect.

now i have something to write about.

in english we're doing this project where we're basically writing a play for the entire year. no big deal right? ha, yeah.

so our class obviously has way too many leaders and there's a few people who took it upon themselves to decide that tomorrow everything needs to get accomplished.

obviously that's possible right?

not really. we have 27 people with about 300 different personalities. we never stay on track and there's too many different conversations going on. it's honestly stressful.

i'm just annoyed right now because a small group of people thought it would be cool to give every other group a due date of tomorrow. you can't do that with 7 hours left in a day. people don't check facebook everyday. people won't do this. i know it for a fact. so they can't even get mad when it happens because i totally called it.

took a nap at 6

woke up at 10:30...

skipped dinner and now it's 12:30 and i think i'll just go to bed again. haha

at least i'm catching up on sleep.

i literally do not know why i'm so mehhh

literally overthinking.

literally no homework.

literally need to take a shower.

literally need sleep. more than anything at this point

6th hour driving tomorrow... whatever.

i have a really nonchalent attitude about everything recently.

i honestly don't care about school or driver's ed. if i didn't have those two things going on i think i would be able to practice everything and run. a lot. but nope. no time.

summer where are you?

it's 10pm

i have to do more than half of this health project...

i have to read a chapter of ethan frome

and i have to finish answering bio questions.

geometry will be finished mod a.

wednesday = double a ♥♥♥

extra long study!

happy blue shirt day!

i took a nap in world history today. first time i've done that at school. it made a big difference for the rest of the day... haha

i'm supposed to be writing a response paper right now.
i have literally zero motivation. i'm contemplating writing a one page one... but she probably wouldn't even accept it. i think i'll just deal with only have nine response papers. i'm way too tired and way too idea-less.

hi fiona apple, i like you,

hi corey's music library, can i invade you?

hahaa, i can't wait to just steal all of his music. (well, not all of it...)

when you have 2,000gb of music, i think that's an issue.

...no complaints here.

driving tomorrow right after school. bringing sneakers specifically for that. haha, i don't like wearing sneakers to school... especially if they smell as bad as these ones

ms. sears told us that this syllabus was our second to last one. and we only have 4 more response paper weeks. i got veryyy upset. if i could go to school and stay in that room with that group of people and ms. sears all day i would.

my dad told me he was proud of me.

he said "abby, i really am proud of you. i don't tell you that enough."

this was upon being inducted to world language honor society... not really a big deal. haha

but it was nice. and emotional.

we went to the beach today for mother's day. i took a picture. jake wasn't in it. an hour later i got a picture message with jake photoshopped in the picture. i laughed really hard (:

he's going to school for that sort of thing so it was really funny. and the picture looks like he needed to be there.

we went to the beach specifically to play frisbee... i love my family (:

it was a really nice mother's day!

my birthday is in 19 days. and then my dad will be expecting me to get a job.

my mom said i should just do lessons as my job. that would be really convenient actually... but i don't know if i could get enough lessons to make $100+ a week. maybe i'll jump my price from $10 to $15? still cheaper than most people for the same information. and probably more doable for the age group. i hope that will work out because i don't want to work anywhere really...

i don't even want to think about tomorrow.

well, today. i don't want to think about sunday.

homework. ew. why do you exist?

also, driver's ed quiz monday and probably signing up for more hours and stuff. ew. why does driver's ed exist? oh yeah... so insurance is less. like, who cares.

oh. and 27 days til my birthday... but who's counting right?

i realized that i haven't changed the layout of my blog in awhile

i actually like this one how it is though.

so that's good.

but maybs i'll change my picture.. haha

i appreciate honesty

almost had a mental breakdown with my driving instructor... cool

basically, i almost broke down like right in front of him. just out of frustration.

i can't do this...

i feel like i'm that "bad driver" and they have to like rock, paper, scissors for who has to drive with me.

i get so nervous. and i feel like everything i do is wrong.

they both just constantly yell at me... and i don't like it.

i have to deal with this... especially if i want my license. i just don't like them and i don't like the cars and i don't like backing in to spots.

"you should really ask your parents to go out and practice..."

i'm sorry; my parents work for a living. and it was just Easter. nothing i can do about that...

UGGGGGHHHHH.

Actual Children’s Answers to The Question “What Is Love?”

i didn't write this... obviously.

“Baby don’t hurt me; don’t hurt me, no more.” - Gary, 7

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” - Chrissy, age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” - Terri, age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” - Danny, age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.” - Emily, age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” - Bobby, age 7

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” - Nikka, age 6

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” - Noelle, age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” - Tommy, age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” - Cindy, age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” - Clare, age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” - Elaine, age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.” - Chris, age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” - Mary Ann, age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” - Lauren, age 4

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” - Rebecca, age 8

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” - Karen, age 7

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” - Jessica, age 8

don't forget me, i beg

i'll remember, you said.

(hardest part of that song... haha)

happy easter!

i've been seeing a lot of "zombie Jesus" statuses and i don't know how i feel about that...

today is more important than Christmas. but i don't need to explain that.

today i realized why i don't practice for an hour and a half everyday...

i'm so critical of everything. i'm so hard on myself.

and it's just like, i realize that i'm not incredibly awesome.

i'm just mediocre. and maybe if i practiced for an hour and a half everyday i'd get incredibly awesome. but for now, i'm not up to where i'd like to be.

it's just frustrating, you know?

i feel like some people set their expectations of me way high. and i guess i'm under pressure?

i don't even know. i bet i'm imagining this.

i'm still alive but i'm barely breathing...

that was one of the most intimidating and scary moments ever.

so i just did my first hour with the instructor for driver's ed.

i feel on the verge of tears even though there's nothing to cry about?

i guess i'm in shock. haha

i thought i was an okay driver... but apparently having 5 hours of driving previously means that i'm going to suck.

i wasn't bad. i actually did really well for not driving often.

at least we didn't go on the highway.

and i can do three point turns like a boss.

i just can't back into spaces or yaknow, look when i merge...

it's definitely time for vacation.

school is getting unnecessary.

everything we've been doing for operation pearl harbor is failing.

people are going to end up paying more money.

i just really want to be in hawaii right now. at this second.

i always think about what i would do if i could just apparate onto the beach.

i always think about what i would do if i didn't such at math... and if i didn't fail that test...

like, how do i explain that to my parents? "sorry, my brain went on vacation at the beginning of the week." or "you know how busy and tired i've been."

my dad's expecting $400 soon for driver's ed.

how did my brother's have so much more money than i currently do?

how did they pay for all of that themselves?

maybe it was syms/my clarinet. yeah. that's it.

i'm pushing them daisies, i wish they were roses

i love daisies... haha

driver's ed tonight was... boring.

but at least i have a few friends in it. we'll be all set.

i'm sorry that i just had like the longest day of my life

and i'm sorry that you called while we were warming up so i couldn't talk to you.

and i'm sorry that i didn't have any of the information because i didn't have time to go on my computer to look it up for you.

i'm sorry that you were home and could've done that yourself.

i'm sorry that i didn't tell you that you needed to bring my birth certificate. i didn't know.

i'm sorry that you're in such a bad mood because you showed up an hour early. better than an hour late.

and i'm sorry that i'm such a hassle to you. and doing this one thing for me turned into a fiasco.

i'm sorry that you're so angry at me. but i really couldn't do anything to help you.

i'm sorry that i just played at a concert that lasted three hours and i couldn't just go to the meeting.

and i'm sorry that i told you everything like two months ago and didn't remember.

and i'm sorry that i knew about this concert way before i knew about driver's ed. okay?

is that sufficient? because i really don't know what to tell you.

i just don't know what to tell you. i can't make you happy so it doesn't even matter.

i love that corey and i can just exchange one look and understand eachother. he knows how i'm feeling. it's nice to have him home.

people ask me why i want to be a teacher

i tell them it's because i want to make a difference in someone's life like teachers have on mine.

and i especially want to be a 5th grade teacher because that year was the most impactful of all.

and maybe i'll have a hard time making money. but i've always wanted to live in an apartment.

and maybe the kids won't like me. but i'll pull through.

it's kind of awesome to know what you want to do with your life. i could change my mind but i don't want to. i like having this course set in front of me.

i hate when people tell me what i'm supposed to be doing with my life.

"SO, when you major in music education..."

"...but abby you'd be good at it."

i don't want to be a music teacher. i also don't want to be a drum major. i'm sorry you can't plan my life for me.

~~~

at field hockey tonight my mom counted 20 saves. 20 saves for 6 goals.

a few went through my legs. that's obnoxious.

i only blame myself. it's literally no one else's fault when that happens.

but i've gotten better. and that's what matters.

BLOG NEGLECT BLOG NEGLECT BLOG NEGLECT

i've found myself getting more and more annoyed with music groups i'm in

every day i sit there and i'm like "why is everyone so obnoxious? for real?"

and it's just annoying.

it's also annoying how if you change a piece from the key of Bflat to anything else, people can't play it. and i HATE that.

like even concert A. i just... i don't know.

i'm tired of people not being able to play music.

relient k. who i am hates who i've been.

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.


Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

whoot, coffee house

i only feel partially deaf... no big deal.
i think this will pass in a day though.
so bummed i had to leave early, but i like sleep almost as much as i like music. but way more than the uncomfortable benches/floor.
i heard a lot of people and goodness though! that's nice

and i'm ready to go to bed but i guess i have a lot of bio homework to do? like, whatever.
who even cares about that anyway? (a lot of people actually... but whatever.)
it sucks that ms. nault's awesomeness ended last year.
it sucks that we're not making paper mache turtles ):

i did that thing again where i volunteer to do the most work. yeah, remember that?
annoying habit.
oh well... it's not difficult.

okay, bedtime! ...ish

i hate letting people down

what do you do when your good isn't good enough,

and all that you touch tumbles down?

'cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

i just want to fix it somehow

how many times will it take for me

to get it right?

today's been interesting

ms. conty taught english. i really like her.

i see myself being like ms. conty when i teach.

just making a lot of references to my life and saying things like "...awkward..."

but we're starting poetry now. and this is always a hard part of the year because i just cannot write stuff like i used to. my imagination used to be awesome. now it's just like "uhhh, i need to sleep."

i also rediscovered john legend and i melt every single time i hear his voice. just like "ahhhhhhhhh"

he did a cover of rolling in the deep and i died. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrQ4njrnnsI

watch it.

if i ever meet someone who sound like a combination of john mayer and john legend i would probs pass out. and then just cry. and then hug them and never let go.

just want to document that i just talked to this kid other than in geometry class for the first time. haha, and not even about school! wawhooo...

i'm going to see the 8th grade musical tomorrow. they're doing seussical. i know a bunch of people in it. and it'll be all nostalgic and stuff. i don't know if i'm going to go next year... don't really know anyone in 7th grade... haha

and just like that...

i'm done.

but i'm gonna go take a shower and come back and proof read... just in case.

what?! abby's proof-reading?! well, yeah. this is a big paper. and i'd kind of like to get an A because that means an A in the class. basically automatically...

research paper season.

so everyone's gonna be freaking out for the next few weeks because it's that dreaded time of year again. however, after tomorrow i'm going to not have to worry anymore. and i'll be sooooo happy about everything.

but tonight, i need to highlight more notes, write random quotes on notecards from book, and edit my rough drafts.

AWESOME POSSUM.

(remember when everyone used to say that in 2005?)

ticking on and on

friday. go away from my head please and thanks.

so, tonight: fill out death of a salesman quotes sheets. edit two research papers which can potentially take me like an hour and a half..

do bio homework. bleckkk.

uhh, what else?

oh. snhu band. :P ew. especially if we have sectionals. double ew.

next year i can't wait to not be in like 295873467 bands.

i also can't wait to have advanced instrumental studies and actually be able to have time to practice for allstate. because i'm auditioning for that next year. no big deal.

obsessed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_u29qK84uvI

i have NO reason to be unhappy.

but i find myself thinking abouts things.

like, how i feel like i won't be happy until i find someone. someone who will make me happy. and make me realize how awesome i am.

but that's such a stupid thing to wait around for.

i need to prove to myself that i have people in my life that do that. but just... i don't know. it's really hard to write this out.

i am happy. i just have one little crevice that i'd like to fill.

i don't have to. but maybe someday...

maybe i just feel lonely. after all of these years having a companion would be cool.

or not. that's okay too.

man oh man, you're my best friend

i'll scream it out to the nothingness

there ain't nothing that i need

well hot and heavy pumpkin pie,

chocolate cake and Jesus Christ,

ain't nothing please me more than you

home, let me come home,

home is wherever i'm with you

hot and dangerous

if you're one of us then roll with us 'cause we make the hipsters fall in love

when we've got our hot pants on and up

and yes of course we does

we running this town just like a club

and no you don't wanna mess with us

got Jesus on my necklace

this has been stuck in my head for a majority of today.

also, i just made garrett a hip-hop and rap mix cd. HAHAHAHA, it's so great.

i'm proud of these 10 songs.

i don't really have anything to say...

I'M SO GLAD WE HAD A SNOW DAY.

oh my god. i need the weekend to work on this world history project. at least to make it better.

oh, and maybe i'll actually give as dangg about bio.

but just maybe.

i need a hug.

i also need to sleep.

and i need to relax

but before i can do that, i need to finish this poster/presentation and fix my research paper. and then print out two more drafts of that.

i can't handle school right now.

it's alright yeah i'll be fine

don't worry 'bout this heart of mine just take your love and hit the road.

'cause nothing you can do is say is gonna break my heart anyway,

just leave the pieces when you go.

i feel kind of snobby every time i say "world language honor society."

i haven't even been inducted yet. but every time i throw that phrase out there people are just like "oh."

and i don't like when people think i'm the smartest person ever because that's so not true.

tonight i have to do my entire debate stuff. and i have no idea what side i'm on. and this is going to take forever.

i'm also not writing a response paper... because there's no time. so that means i have like 1 miss day left. which SUCKSSS.

i guess i won't write 10 this semester. whatever.

so tired. and so done with everything.

also, i have a research paper draft due tomorrow and a world history project. no big deal.

"a big glob of jelly just fell on my lap..."

"AGAIN!"

denise. i love youuu ♥

i bought new markers (:

they're crayola and they're beautiful and they're made of recycled plastic. hahahaa

so tonight i have to do a bio timeline. and then maybe start my world history project. and then maybe start editing my research paper...

but i have to go snhu band... and i'd rather not.

ain't got the patience for the pain

so the weekend starts and guess what? i come home to an empty house and am by myself and instantly that puts me in one of these think-y moods. and these are the times when i just completely hate most things about myself.

and they're always the same things. things i need to change.

these are the times when i wish i had someone who could read my mind and tell me things that they like about me.

in these moods i need some sort of reassurance. just to be in a better mood.

and then i get mad at myself for complaining about myself. i feel selfish.

i think of the people who have it much worse.

and then i really that i have almost nothing to complain about.

and like, being alone and trapped in my thoughts isn't always a bad thing. i just need to release all of these thoughts somewhere. but i don't really want them out there for the world to see... haha

maybe i'll just talk to myself. once they are in the air, they'll stay there and not float back into my head. at least that's what happens when i have a song stuck in my head. belt it out and then it's gone.

i need to sleep

and i need to burn this CD of appropriate skating music.

i also need to take a shower... but yaknow...

my letter of intent is okay. i think i meet all of the requirements. so i should be okay. if i don't get in i need to have a reason... it would be because my paper is not really that great... but i'm not rewriting a paper. sorry. not worth it.

i think i'll be fine? ehh, whatever.

all i can think of is that tomorrow is friday. so that means singing "friday" over and over again. typical abby.

also, christine is coming monday! super excited!

we're getting our research papers back tomorrow... i'm NOT looking forward to that. my paper was totally not up to par. what else is new?

i got really annoyed in band today...

i don't know why.

i think it was that i'm finally realizing things. things that people won't necessarily agree with.

therefore i'm not going to write said things. i'm just going to leave you all guessing.

i'm chaka khan and i'm every woman

like why is this song stuck in my head? hahahaha, oh man.

ok, so i only have french homework? whyy?

why couldn't we answer the questions while watching the movie?

gahh.

i hope we watch a movie in world history so that 4 of my classes will be watching movies this week. yeahhh!

also, in a week christine is shadowing me! yay! we we we we so excited!

Que fait-il avec ce qu'il a dans sa valise?

what? i don't know...

gahh

i can't wait to take french 4 level 4 and get the credit for the same amount of work...

oh boy. i'm pathetic.

also, i still haven't made my decision..

and i told myself i would by this weekend.

i guess tomorrow is the day... because then it's a week from tomorrow.

also, i have no idea of what to turn in. i've gotten B's on all of my papers...

i think i'll do the Scarlet Letter one and fix it a bit.

i'm really surprised over what i just did.

so i haven't gone on a run for 5 months.

and i actually pulled off like a mile and a half.

i remember when i couldn't run a mile. so much progress!

my goal is to be down to like 8 minutes by field hockey.

it can totally happen.

yay! good day!

sitting in the front seat, chilling in the back seat

i got this, you got this, my friend is on my right.
i got this you got this, I DON'T MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THE PERSON TO MY LEFT.
what? i don't understand...
but this song has been stuck in my head all day. i've sang it out loud. people judged me... nbd

i broke out the flip flops today. not at school... but at the wilderness camp meeting!
i was a little self-conscious because i didn't end up painting my toes last night... haha
today was so warm and beautiful and i just wanted to go outside all the time!

only french homework tonight?

danggg. i like watching movies in three calsses in a day.

yay having bio and world history and french.

health too tomorrow. ay dios.

why am i so easily annoyed? that doesn't even make sense...

i need to make a decision. i need it to be the 28th so christine can shadow me.

and i need to paint my toenails because tomorrow may be the first flip flop day of the year.

truth is

half the time you annoy me to the point of frustration.

but the other half of the time you're my best friend...

and i love everything about the second half of you.

but sometimes you just... ugh.

response papers...

so it's like 10 o'clock. and i formatted a response paper. the title is "not responding on responding" because i do that everytime. she's probs sick of it.

but i had absolutely nothing to say for three pages.

so i didn't write one. again.

i've written two. and it's been like 6 or 7 weeks?

so that means for 4 or 5 weeks i haven't written anything.

which means that i only have 3 or 2 more weeks left to not write.

wednesdays are just hard for me because of mcms and stuff...

and now i'm just making excuses... because i totally had no other homework...

also, debate between british authors and amstud? i'm leaning towards amstud. but by saturday i might change my mind.

it's not an easy thing yaknow... this is class is going to be my main focus for next year so i need to choose wisely.

amstud vs. british authors.

okay, so i can't make a decision.

and i need help.

if i take amstud, i'll be away from people who bother me for the most part.

it'll be super hard. and i'm not good at history...

but ms. mac and mr. silvera are good teachers. and the class looks fun.

british author's would be good too...

less work. more friends. also more annoying people...

mrs. pennington seems enthusiastic... but not like a good teacher.

it's between learning or easiness.

i don't know what to do.

& God only knows what we're fighting for.

i can't give you what you think you gave me

it's time to say goodbye

to turning tables

hi, how's it going?

this weekend i hung out with my only two friends. and almost died from megan basically decapitating me with a lacrosse ball. luckily i had awesome reflexes and ducked just in time.

also, i just rocked at goal, not to brag or anything... haha

but seriously, we played really well. it was great. i needed that.

i've failed both of my lenten things. i'm starting over tomorrow. no facebook.

no red meat. like, seriously. it's an impossible thought in my house. my dad's like "no way man."

also, since we got our progress reports he's like "abby, your grades are scholarship material. and we could use all of the scholarships we can get..." awesome. no pressure.

as of now my top colleges are Keene state, UMaine and UNH. maybe SNHU too... but then i'd just stay home and not even meet anyone...

i'm mainly between Keene and UM though.

i don't have to worry about this yet...

amstud or british author's?

probs amstud... even though i'll die.

maybe every other class will just be easy? ha, funny joke.

so anyway... that's basically what went on this weekend. oh. and the mcms concert. that went well...

slap that tummy fish was better than any of the pieces we actually played...

oh dear. haha

it's all good. i sounded good... haha

okay. shower time. i smell. BYEEE

haha count?: 4. wow.

almost there.

page 9. and in the clear. even if i don't get a full ten pages i can say that i honestly put all of my information in the paper. it only took me going on 7 hours... maybe another 1.5 for my annotated bibliography and stuff...

i thought i'd fill you guys in...

i'm on page 5. half-way there. we can do this!

ready? write a 12 page paper. go!

i suck. i'm a terrible person. i'm a terrible student. gaahhh.
yes, i'm aware that i have to write 11 more pages tonight and tomorrow night.
i'm aware that i've had 2 weeks+ to do this.
and i'm aware of anything you want to tell me.
that's all i have to say about that.

and i try too hard.

okay, so basically i try so hard in bio. and i cannot get an A. no matter what. so i guess i'll just deal with that.

meanwhile, i did all of my homework that needs to be accomplished tonight.

i HAVE TO write maybe 4 more pages of my rough draft. that way i don't die thursday.

today was long. i don't understand the point of this festival. we know that we're loud. we know that our intonation was bad. did the judge even make any other comments? no. i don't it.

it's not like we get awarded. it's kind of like a dress rehearsal? i don't know.

after such a good day yestarday it's just going to be hard to top it.

so many hair compliments today. i only get hair compliments when i curl my hair... hmmm...

also, i'm watching glee instead of writing my paper. they're singing landslide. like, copy-cats? hahaa. i hate television. i also hate the internet. i'm never going to get anything accomplished. my rough draft is going to suck.

lent starts tomorrow.

no red meat for 40 days. do-able.

no facebook on weekdays for 40 days. challenge.

talk about good days!

okay, so the morning went fast

and then we get to english

so i watched one group present and then i was called down to see mr. rist.

don't worry, i'm not in trouble. (: my friend christine is going to central next year! and she's shadowing me! yay!

and then we presented. i think we did fine...

so then mod e was fast.

so mods f and g were the best of the day. that never happens.

I HAVE AN A IN GEOMETRY. what? that NEVER happens!

and then in french madame handed me a piece of paper.

so basically i got into national world language honor society. yay! (: (: (:

such a good day. so strange.

and then tomorrow i just have to go to health. that's my entire day. like, what? haha love it!

okay! yeah!

smiley face count: 4

opp, behind on my quota.

so it's march 6th and i only have five posts this month!

today i started thinking about what to do for lent.

i think i'm going to give up red meat and maybe only go on the computer on the weekends...

that means i won't be able to write blog posts. unless i have a paper to write and i cheat.

we'll see how it works.

i have that whole five hours of bio to do again... it's due tuesday but i have snhu band tomorrow night. and field hockey tonight.

yeah, field hockey again. yay? i don't know. i'm tired. haha

also, we're presenting tomorrow... that'll be interesting.

mellow yellow.

i just watched probably the most powerful video i have ever seen.

it was the results of a drunk driving accident.

i actually cried.

(is anyone really surprised?)

that was kind of a very mellowing moment because today was so much fun.

i went skiing and tubing for 6 hours. no big deal.

it was super fun!

plans for tomorrow:

not being sore

cleaning up my room a little

going to church

writing some of my rough draft

field hockey game

^not sucking.

other homework items. like bio. oh right...

just sometimes, i don't know. i don't know what's going on.

i have out of body experiences all the time like "why do we do all of the things that we do?"

"what if someone is just watching us all live our lives and laughing at how dumb we look?"

"what if this is all just a dream?" (inception...)

this only really happens during the three concert bands that i'm in and i just zone out and play music. i don't know why...

i like your everything. it's annoying. stop it. (:

whooot!

i love doing entire projects in one night.

i love how i always give myself the hardest job because i like things done my way...

merrrrp.

totally pulled this off in an hour.

i love myself sometimes.

(:

i guess i have to straighten my hair tomorrow...

ugh, haircuts are stressful.

haha, just kidding

i just don't want to wake up that extra fifteen minutes earlier.

that sentence made no sense. nonsense.

an observation

it's funny that the smartest people in my grade text so obnoxiously.

like, so many abbreviations and whatnot.

i mean, i used to type obnoxiously in 6th and 7th grade. i thought i was cool.

if you still think i type obnxiously... sorry.

sorry if not capitalizing things is atrocious.

i just don't like going that extra mile to press shift to start a sentence...

oh, so i love when i volunteer to do the bulk of work.

but i really do.

it's because i like things done my way... i'm selfish when it comes to group projects.

haha

so yeahh... making very proper people sound ghetto. it's cool.

also, having no time to get together to do this.

no big deal or anything

i also have to write a response paper because i won't do it tomorrow

and my rough draft... yeah... about that....

this might get a little crazy.

i was so happy for toy story (:

and inception is beating the social network in awards at the moment (:

i'm also surprised oprah didn't give everyone oscar's under their chairs or something...

vacation all i ever wanted, vacation gotta get away

friday: my dad's birthday. when i got home i was super excited for vacation and i found out Liza had died.

saturday: garrett's party! i actually left my house!

sunday: churchh. charlie the cute kid.

monday: learned about the situation in Libya. snhu banddd.

tuesday: shopped.

wednesday: did a lot of cleaning. bought music

thursday: my dad freaked out at me.

friday: christine and tracey came over! saw tangled. my mom and brother made a snowman. i actually played in the snow for the first time in like 3 years... and it was awesome!

saturday: vera's surprise party! (:

sunday: no church. no one in my family went? it was weird. bio homework for a majority of the day. watching the oscar's and maybe writing a response paper? maybss.

but basically, next to nothing happened over vacation. i went to two parties and had christine and tracey over. those were the highlights.

it could've been worse!

what's biology?

i don't want to!!! mehhhh!

...i feel like a five year old.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4cHp-4qGNk

i LOVE glozell. honestly. haha

so i'm not leaving my house... but

here have a picture!

christine and tracey are coming over eventually (:

we're gonna go see tangled

and we'll probs take major pictures. yo.

my mom and brother made a snowman(:

i photographed it

^^that's it.

also, i'm getting a haircut either tomorrow or sunday! yay!

can we be honest with ourselves for a minute?

so i bought pink's song perfect.

and the title is actually "f***ing perfect."

my itunes account is under my father's name so he gets e-mails after i buy everything.

he just told me that i can never buy a song like that again.

how hypocritical can someone get?

he swears all the time.

also, he told me i can't go on tumblr anymore. why does it matter?

sometimes, i can't deal with this.

i need to leave my house. for real.

also...

when i said goodnight to him i said "love you!"

and he didn't say anything back.

granted, he is slightly deaf...

and i know that he loves me back, but from today's events it's kind of scaring me.

i don't like to go to sleep without telling my family that i love them. just in case.

so at least he knows. and hopefully he'll have a nice day tomorrow.

i love my dad, don't get me wrong. i love him a lot. i'm a daddy's girl. but sometimes his rants don't make sense.

oh you know me, just rocking out to some lady gaga...

i bought new musics!

yay!

i can listen to adele on the go now!

...or gaga

don't be a drag, just be a queen.

nbd, just cleaned the whole house.

and i have to finish my bio homework.
and write my rough draft.

i really just want to leave.
i want to go driving.
i asked to drive home like 4 miles away from our house last night.
my mom was like "you need to start doing stuff around the house."
that was her response to "can i drive home?"
a simple "not now. you need to drive around more" would've been fine.
i don't get my parents sometimes.

i want to leave new hampshire.
it's time to go on vacation.
i need hawaii.

this just isn't right.

http://motherjones.com/mojo/2011/02/whats-happening-libya-explained

good bus situation.

i was going to write this friday when i got home.

and then i got the news about Liza...

so i put it off.

but i decided that i shouldn't waste my happiness.

so what happened was...

*incoherent ranting and arguing*

"guys, guys, i know we're in a debate right now but i just thought i'd tell you... i like pie!"

haha, what? (:

"you're a bully!" -me

"see, you realize that Abby just called you a bull, right?" -person 1.

"oh sh*t, i'm a bully..." -person 2.

hahaha

also, i'm watching my life as liz online (: happiness!

so a few things happened at church today

i guess interesting things will get noticed if you actually sit in the pews...

so basically the first thing was that a teenage boy that i know walked in to church by himself.
he woke up, drove himself to church, and sat by himself.
i was really shocked. not because of the person but i've never seen anyone do that before.
it was really awesome.

okay, second thing was that there was a little boy behind us. his name was Charles but he liked to be called Charlie. anyway, Charlie met an adult lecture named Bob. and throughout mass they were talking. at the end of the mass, after Bob had left the pew, Charlie says "i like Bob. he's a nice guy." mind you, Charlie was about 5 or 6 years old.
that was really awesome too.

now the third thing that bothered me was that throughout the entire homily, there was a baby screaming. if your child is throwing a fit, you go downstairs. that's what it's for.
i didn't hear anything from the homily because of that..

it's a completely different mass experience upstairs

it just feels weird...

i don't know how to handle something like this

so every smile and every time i feel happy i feel like i shouldn't.

i also feel like i should have some sort of revelation... something that makes me either hate everyone and want to live the happiest life ever.

i guess i should keep in mind that i didn't know her, almost at all.

but that doesn't stop me from being angry.

this would be a totally inappropriate status.

RIP Liza Desharnais. You will be missed.
My cousin Liza died in Florida today. I don't even know what to do...
it's my dad's birthday. my uncle bobby called to tell him.
apparently her boyfriend killed her. this is not okay.
i've only seen her once or twice in my life, but she's still my cousin.
my dad has been on the phone pretty much all day.
i'm not asking for sympathy so much as prayers if you could, for our family.
thank you.

blaring so yestarday to hopefully get me in a good mood.

and i love when my dad comes home and goes "do the dishes."

hi dad. and how was your day?

it's his birthday tomorrow.

i have to be pleasant to him

but today i've just been "mehhhhhhh" all day.

ms. nault put me in a bad mood.

and i didn't do like, any homework.

and we didn't have any food in my house so all i brought was an apple.

and i got an 88% on my world history test. not even an A.

the only good thing that happened today was getting a 95% on a math test and i had a really good reed. but that doesn't really matter to anyone...

i'm dumb.

i should do my Macbroseph worksheets in class instead of reading along..

that way i won't be stuck with all of this in one night.

ugh.

also, these quizzes are ridiculously difficult.

also, we're getting our world history tests back tomorrow and if i didn't get an A i'll be so angry with myself.

also, i don't really know.

also, mcms concert bands are getting stupid.

bullying

so basically today i've witnessed where bullying begins and where it evolves too.

there's this girl on my bus. let's call her Amy. Amy dyed her hair black last year. she goes to a different school. i saw her this morning and was shocked to find that she had chopped her hair off. it was super short. i thought it looked fine. there weren't a lot of people on the bus in the morning to see.

when we picked her up in the afternoon everyone was silent the second she walked on the bus.

she sat by herself a few seats in front of me.

amy probably doesn't care what people thing.
the second she got off of the bus, everyone was like "oh my god... that looks to gross."" honestly? i may have said something under my breath this morning out of surprise, but it isn't gross. so along with just how terrible teenagers can be behind people's backs, this is just another example of how people on my bus are so judgmental.

and then i saw the beginning of some bullying.

i help out with the elementary school band (4th graders.)

there are three boys who play clarinet, but there are also like 30 clarinet players. everyone other instrument has way less. (and while that's awesome, the instrumentation is not right...)

anyway, so one of the conductors was like "where are all of the trumpets?"

and the trumpet players says "all of the girls quit."

and the conductor goes "well maybe some clarinets could switch to trumpet"

and at this point the trumpets were screaming "no!"

and some clarinets were like "i wanna play trumpet!"

anyway, this one boy, we'll call him Jimmy, is pretty rambunctious. he turns to the trumpet playeres and says "i wanna play trumpet!"

and one of his supposed trumpet playing friends says "no, you're a girl!"

now, when you're this age, being called a girl when you're not is a mucho insult.

Jimmy just laughed it off, but he gets made fun of a lot.

i hope it doesn't escalate into fights and being pushed and shoved and hurt. because he's a good kid.

so yeah. bullying. bad.

also, i feel sort of bad for not saying something to all of these people.

just standing by doesn't help either.

happy valentine's day!

basically, who cares if you don't have a valentine? be happy for the people that do.

honestly it is stupid to dedicate one day for this kind of thing when it should happen all the time, but whatever the card companies want... (they sort of rule the world.)

me: "do you ever feel, like a plastic bag?"

mom: no. never in my life have i ever felt like a plastic bag.

me: that's good!

ha, love her (:

oh, only gonna get get what you give away, so give love, love.

only thing i ever could need, only one good thing worth trying to be and it's love.

oh, i just can't get enough,

how much do i need to fill me up?

it feels so good it must be love

it's everything that i've been dreaming of

i give up, i give in, i let go, let's begin, 'cause no matter what i do

my heart is filled with you.

(there are my love songs of the day... bottle it up - sara bareilles and you got me - colbie caillat.)

i just realized at dinner at 9 o'clock that sacre-bleu literally means "holy blue."

so it's probably supposed to mean holy shhhhhhh. but the french are pleasant.

from now on instead of "oh shoot" i'm going to say "ohh, blue!"

(:

sometimes i wish no internet sites besides those with information existed.

then maybe i'd get something accomplished.

oh well... two mods to do these worksheets tomorrow.

sweatpants day.

nothing special or anything...

seriously. it's just another monday. everyone can calm down.

just had some dad & abby time

and my dad goes "your eyeliner.. er.. eye shadow looks really good. not trashy or anything like some girls."

"...thanks dad."

hahaha, so funny.

we have been told

we've seen his face
and heard his voice, alive in our hearts
'live in my love
with all your heart'
as the father has loved me,
so i have loved you.

"But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne:
Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.
Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.
But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil." (Matthew 5:33-37)

this post has been full of scripture... haha

YESSSSS.

"good morning.

Abigail is enrolled in the spring Driver Ed session."

I JUST FREAKED OUT.

AHHHHHHH!

YEAHHHHHH!

i can drive. i can drive. i can drive! (well, when it's over...)

SO. HAPPY. OH MY GOODNESS.

now i just have to explain to him that i can't make it to the first meeting... ha, okay.

weekends go by so quickly

going back to this quote.

oh my god, i made the whole thing up didn't i?

...my life.

i need to start my outline.

and i need to finish note-taking on my research stuff.

and i need to finish the worksheets for acts 1 & 2.

and i need to take a break.

i only practiced for like, 15 minutes today.

i'm just not feeling it.

there's so much to practice too...

mmhmmm. mhhhhhmmmmm.

let's edit this three times... nbd

it was just cute that i was the first thing you thought of.

i'm so ridiculous.

what am i doing?

gahhh.

emotions are useless.

"the only thing that's held me back from anything i want to do in my life is myself."

you've got the talking down, just not the listening.

"look, i spelled 'Abby' on my calculator!" haha, aww you did (:

all my life, i try to make everybody happy while i just hurt and hide; waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide.

"Ice Cube's the man because he smokes mad pot."

really? oh my bus...

hi. sorry those were a bunch of random things.

basically this is how lame i am: if something happens during the day that's significant or interesting, i'll write it somewhere. and then later i'll go back to it and be like "ohh, i should put this is my blog!"

not always a good idea...

i registered for driver's ed online. i hope they contact me or else i'll cry :/

i got everything all figured out. and it's going to work out! they just need to get back to me...

merp.

"did you meow at me today?"

"who else would it be?"

hahahahaha

also, i feel like tape tests are relative. and if the person listening to it likes you it doesn't matter how you do. because mcdoyle said that "i'm sure you were great." before he even listened to it. because my tape test was pretty bad... not gonna lie.

also, mclalos always bugs me about not auditioning for allstate. i know i should've. and i regret not. because if i don't make it next year i'll be a bad example.

i'm stressing too much about the future. unnecessary.

i have to go write a response paper...

"oh my god i made up the whole thing didn't i?"

"look at me, i don't have a date for valentine's day and i don't give a rip... everyone feels lonely... sometimes you have to choose between love and talent." -Mercedes.

(the title was Kurt.)

Sam deserves better.

Puck rocks.

(look at me taking notes during Glee... i don't have any homework... haha)

save the drama for ya mama

i saw him today.
and let me tell you... i'm so glad we don't go to the same school.
we'd probably be in some of the same classes.
every time i see him it just brings back every memory of what could've happened and what didn't happen.
i couldn't be around that.
don't come back for me; don't come back at all. who do you think you are?

also, we got our report cards today.
and i'm happy. i'm actually really happy.
i have a 3.67 gpa. and i'm 25th in the class.
and i don't really care what everyone else is... even though i asked a few people.
i wanted to be in the top 30 and i'm in the top 30.
it's all good (:

amiraaaa (:

i love this so much.

it deserved it's own blog post.

hahahaha, amira doesn't even read this.

whatever (:

she's in 7th grade... it's so weird that we're pretty good friends. but that shouldn't be weird...

she definitely doesn't seem like a 7th grader (:

bio bothers me

definitely never doubling up on sciences.

definitely getting reports cards tomorrow?

i already know every grade except economics which i'm pretty sure is an A. unless i managed to fail the final. which WOULD happen to me.

and of course i care about how i do.

it's important to me to be proud of myself for something.

what's that formspringer? you want me to be deep on command?

HAHAHAHA. okay.

just go; just walk away

don't you think for a moment; don't you think for a moment; yeah don't you think for a moment that you aren't worth all of it.

don't you be fooled

i loved you more than i would ever dare tell you; i'd ever dare tell you.

i'll let you go.

if you're on your way i'm not gonna write you to stay

i'm unusually hard to hold on to.

sara bareilles phase (:

when did i stop formatting posts?

hahahaha

and this is the part of life i like to call: mhmmm.

blah blah blah.

rant rant rant.

my life sucks.

insert song lyric/quote.

having fun isn't hard, when you've got a library card!

moral of the story is: something that doesn't make sense.

yupp.

i feel everything

i've made good decisions in friendships.

i'm glad.

english today was super fun

but now i have to do my annotated bibliography and i'm just like, not feeling it.

she said let's change our luck

this night is all we've got

drive fast until we crash; this dead end life.

sweet dreams that won't come true,

i leave it all for you.

brick walls are closing in let's make a run tonight.

flashback: 7th grade. listening to my cool kid music like a champ... hahahahahaha

oh god. it's seriously disturbing

it all got so mundane.

alphabetical order? alright.

but i have no idea how to sort ebscohost things. still. i suck.

haha

where are your guts to fly?

soaring through, through the night.

and if you take that last step i'll follow you

leave the edge and we'll fly; we're flying higghhhh.

ehh, i don't know.

i'm just a little confused.

i mean, how does this all make me feel?

so what's left to prove?

we have made it through.

i just had the biggest mini heart attack ever.

i thought our annotated bibliography was due tomorrow.

thankfully it's due friday.

i'm going to survive.

and every little thing is gonna be alright.

anyway, i'm just doing some more research.

so that tomorrow i can be sort of prepared when i go see ms. sears.

it's all good.

yet another conversation avec maggie

"just ask him if he wants to celebrate being single with you. and then he'll be like 'you don't have to be.' and proceed to sing and dance around you while simultaneously professing his love for you. and you'll get married and life is perfect." <--me. (obviously...) "ahhaa, you make me giggle." <--maggie. (also obviously.)

"it could happen..." <-- me again.

"yeah, the day he graduates..." <--maggie again. (depressingly.)

"totally a my life as liz moment."

^typical.