but i will not let down the people who love me

so stressed that i've literally broken down several times.

so far, not liking junior year. like, at all.

on top of that, and the lack of sleep...

7-1. that's the worst score so far.

- i'm frustrated

- our diamond formation for defense DOESN'T WORK. seriously. we need to go back to diagonals.

- my theory is that literally after i got that bruise i haven't been playing to my biggest potential and i definitely let the team down. if i don't have more saves than the number of goals, i didn't play well. that's where i stand.

|-> no one understands that... but if you were goalie you'd put that pressure on yourself. and you'd take every goal personally too.

- i'm sooooo frustrated that we say all of these things before games/during practice and we NEVER DO THEM during games. EVER.

- i don't understand why the team that ends the last ten minutes of the game isn't the team that steps on the field. we play so much harder in desperation than we do when we step onto the field.

- i'm too hard on myself.

- we need to practice how we play and play how we practice.

mainly i'm angry at myself. but i don't want to hear anything from everyone else.

i already know: 1. there are 10 other people on the field before the ball comes to me.

2. this team is number 3 in our division.

3. we scored on our first shot on goal. they didn't.

i understand.

but like i said, no one really gets it unless they're a goalie.

i internalize so much.

on the car ride home i broke down. pretty much blubbering.

i don't do that often.

thank god for my mother, that's all i have to say.