sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough

and things go wrong no matter what i do.

can i just say that while this month has been great, the amount of suckage in this month is much greater than others.

i just don't understand how things can be going so right and then turn so terribly wrong.

my grandfather died this morning of alzheimer's. his birthday is this friday. he'd had alzheimer's for 5ish years. when he was first diagnosed i remember going to visit and not fully understanding why he didn't know who i was or why he was uncomfortable to hug me. now i know that it's because i was a stranger.

my grandmother is apparently very down. she's never been alone in her life. she visited him every day in the nursing homes. i just worry about her.

my dad cried in front of me for the first time. that made me cry. i'm not expecting him to be strong. he came home today and walked in my room and asked if he could hug me. when did we get to this point in our relationship where he has to ask to do that? i'm really grateful to have him in my life. i have probably the most supportive and incredible family.

i don't know how to deal with death. there has been so much of it this month. it's funny how when this season comes around and the plants start to die and everything starts to slow down that death is just so prominent. it's almost fitting in a weird way.

i'm not too incredibly shaken up which worries me. i mean, i've been anticipating this day for 5 years.

alzheimer's is such a depressing thing. to think that your brain is slowly losing all of its memories and abilities and eventually leading to your death. that is the slowest way to die.

at least now Papa is whole again. he's probably up there looking down at us and seeing how much we've grown in the five years he's been gone. i hope he's proud of who we've become.

it's so stupid of me, but i'm being very selfish here. the wake is scheduled for friday afternoon and i will most likely miss school for it. on top of missing friday i'm out all of next week for hawaii. and friday is an important day to be in school seeing as it's the last day for a week. teacher's planned so many things on friday... i have two test and a paper. and to grab makeup work.

i'm just so unbelievably stressed and i'm so frustrated with myself because that is so selfish.

Rest in Peace Robert Desharnais. there is so much love down here for you. i'm sure you're looking down at all of us with your welcoming smile. i'll miss your hugs and even though you never said much i know that you loved all of us.