no big deal

so basically this morning for mods a and b i was super tired.

and then mod c and d were in the library.

i rambled things and mumbled so much today.

and laughed uncontrollably at everything.

people got annoyed. whatever.

and then i had a dunkachino.

this is my favorite beverage in the history of the world.

i CANNOT wait to drive to school and go to dunkin's almost everyday.

with that dunkachino i swear i had so much energy.

totally flipped my mood.

if i had one everyday when i woke up?

mmmm, life dream.

i met new people at snhu band.

we're basically best friends. no big deal.

(honestly, new catch phrase. i'll say it after anything. no big deal.)

so other than the fact that it's monday and i'm running on double 5 hours of sleep, i'm fine.

no big deal.

today was good.

people are so talented. oh my god.

"yeah, i'll try it.. i haven't played it before..."

and she plays it perfectly. dayummm gurll.

and yeah.

that's about it.

goodnight finally!

how am i even still awake?

i'm so tired.

i'm on my last reading log.

and tomorrow i'm going to die in every class.

and i have to give a lesson after school.

and then snhu band.

and that concert is on the first day of driver's ed.

what am i doing with my life?

yo, yo, yo

new record.

35 posts (+) in the month of january.

yay!

also, 1 reading log down.

8.5 to go.

i got this.

i'll stand by you.

i don't know why i get so nervous when i'm driving.

it's not even hard.

and i turned into my driveway today and successfully didn't hit my dad's truck.

that's an accomplishment.

life's a game but it's not fair

i break the rules so i don't care.

i'm feeling pretty good today.

even with my 5 hours of sleep.

even with my 15 hours of homework.

i know that i'm going to be okay.

and i'm going to make it.

and every little thing is gonna be alright

"bleh! brb mai ham is burning!"

what?

oh my goodness...

so i'm very lucky that my research paper book is on sparknotes.

because some people actually have to read theirs all today.

and i'm going to read it

just not for tomorrow. there's no way. (i don't have the initiative.)

we're going to Newick's for my mother's 51st birthday.

is it weird that my parents are in their 50's?

i don't find that weird at all...

all four of my grandparents are still alive and in their 80's.

i also don't find that weird.

a little while i was thinking about how people grieve.

my dad's father has Alzheimer's. he has for a while now.

i realize that he will die eventually.

he may be the first relative for me to experience death.

(is this hurtful? i don't know.)

what bothers me is the uncertainty.

i don't know how i'm going to react or how to react to other people.

i'm scared.

there's nothing to be afriad of though.

he's going to be fine.

he's going to be happier and safer and healthier than ever in his life on earth.

imagine you're in a plane. and you know that it's going to crash.

God will be there as your parachute and bring you safely to the ground.

and that's reassuring.

"Blessed are the meek,

for they shall possess the Earth."

Mark 5:7

the beatitudes are the positive commandments. and therefore i enjoy them.

this has been super random.

i don't really write about my beliefs here too often...

if God can forgive and accept anyone, regardless of if they believe or not, why can't people who believe in said God do the same? how can people be so closed-minded in a changing world?

love is love is love is love.

love is a right.

love is a freedom.

you can't tell people who to love.

my father didn't go to his own sister's wedding because she was marrying another woman.

he couldn't go to his sister's wedding.

that bothered me for a little while.

love whoever you love.

i don't deserve this.

i wrote that somewhere at some point.

and now it's made me think of what i don't deserve...

i don't even know...

i need to read 400 pages. yeah whatever...

also, i have a mad lot of bio homework.

what else is new?

i like my schedule this semester. and i can eat in world history. it's all good.

i ate spaghetti

it was surprisingly okay.
haha, i was a little hestitant about it because it was a huge mixture... but it worked out!
also, there are so many talented people in our school
(yes olivia, this means you!)
mcms concert bands tomorrow.
those are usually good for some julia fun

also, the new semester begins tomorrow
also, i have to read a 480something page book by friday...
no big deal or anything, it's just for a research paper.
AHHHH.

i'm feeling pretty alright

this shouldn't bother me as much as it does.

friends of mine that haven't usually done better academically then i have are.
and it shouldn't bother me at all, but maybe it means that i'm slacking.
but then again, maybe it means that they're just smarter than me which is cool too.
i just need to get used to this is all.
as long as i'm happy with my grades it's okay.
(also, i'd like to be in the top 30 but who knows.)

no, this isn't a real life situation

"i like you smile."

"i like your everything."

don't lie, you know that there's always something you don't like about someone...

let's be honest.

i'm sorry i can't be perfect

i want to write about how i'm feeling

but it's nothing special

i'm pretty much feeling like i need to get a lot done in a little amount of time.

and i'm feeling a little stressed because of that.

i feel like i need to sleep more but everytime i try to i can't.

i feel like there's something missing in the puzzle of my life. like that one piece of a puzzle that you can't find.

i feel like i need to be more productive.

and i feel like i'm too hard on myself.

i feel like i need to practice; need to be the best.

but mainly, i just feel not really happy for NO reason. absolutely NO REASON.

but it's okay. we'll make it through.

also, including this one, i posted 5 times today. that's a record.

"i think i have a problem."

"everybody does."

"there has never been a truer statement."

"that was deep."

haha♥

my dad was watching "What Would You Do?"

and it was of two actresses in a restaurant.

one was full of men.

the other was full of women.

the scenario was that the "waitress" took the woman's order.

the woman is a little larger than your "average."

the woman ordered a cheeseburger and onion rings.

and the waitress proceeded to tell the woman that she should order some vegetables and make better decisions in her life.

they got into an argument.

the waitress then proceed to the table of men and complained. they gave her sympathy and not the other woman.

in the restaurant with mostly women, the woman who ordered was given sympathy and advice from a table of other women. these women then confronted the waitress and said "it's not your business what she orders." calmly.

i found this super interesting.

but this show is a difficult concept. i mean, in this situation, would you have said anything? men or women.

personally, i probably wouldn't. it's a restaurant, i probably wouldn't have heard this go down. if i were near the woman, i might have said something to her. but in reality? who knows.

also, i had a dream this morning that i was at an NJHS meeting randomly in my church. and there were a bunch of random people there. and then there was an earthquake and people ran out of the room instead of hiding under the tables like i did. when the earthquake was over, my dad came in to pick me up. we were walking to the car and my mom was there too. i looked next door to the church and there was a tornado! i naturally started freaking out and my dad was like "i forgot stuff inside!" so he runs inside and comes out with like three different instruments and it doesn't make sense... but he puts them in the car and then goes back for more. and by this time the tornado is getting closer and my mom and i are freaking out. he comes back outside and gets into the passenger seat. we drive a little and my mom all of a sudden says "i can't drive!" so they switch places and we go a little farther and my dad says "my hands are cramping!" they then argue over who's going to drive meanwhile the tornado is coming... and i say "i can do it." my mom says "are you sure?" i nod. and then i woke up.

it was pretty intense seeing as i don't remember dreams.

that was probably the longest paragraph of your life... sorry

also, semi is tomorrow! yayyyy!

so excited!

just did my nails

and tried to take a picture to post here to show you...

but do you know how hard it is to get a decent picture of all your nails and see the detail?

it's impossible.

but i did a pretty good job, if i do say so myself... haha (:

most of you will probably see them tomorrow... unless you could care less, which is cool too!

i'd probably be like "what is this girl doing? trying to show me her nails... she's messed up."

haha, what am i even saying...

pretty pretty please

don't you ever ever feel

like you're less than

freaking perfect.

day 1 starts over again

trying to do this to my nails.

i need to go shopping for a silver though...

every nail polish in my house is either super new or like a billion years old and not useable.

i stopped wearing nail polish for awhile.

i used to be obsessed.

maybe that's why i'm pretty decent at stuff?

my dentist complimented my nails... hahahahahaa, oh these things make me laugh.

i'm super excited for semi (:

this is something i look forward to. because it's fun.

this december i'll be in hawaii.

that's ridiculous.

music department ♥

things i like

living. smelling good. good smelling things. fire places. bonfires. s'mores. rasberry lemonade. dresses. music. photography. clarinets. saxophones. fairytales. snuggies. wearing hair-ties as bracelets. christmas. lotion. bath & body works hand sanitizers. ice cream. kit-kat bars. white boards. swimming. beaches. hawaii. mix cd's. nail polish. blankets. reading. organization. silver jewelry. mittens. cute things. baby animals. slippers. eyeliner. english. new socks. new pillows. new things. quotes. scribbling. blogging. talking. making friends. saying things like "yaknow." candles.

mhmm. yup. (:

also...

we had breakfast for dinner.

that means i'm all set for breakfast tomorrow!

now i can say i ate breakfast when i really won't.

who cares? i need to study...

honestly i'm more worried about bio than i am for english.
our bio class is 5 chapters behind. the midterm is 70% everyone...
simple math here... 20% of the midterm will be things we haven't covered.
AWESOME. I'M STOKED.
english is just going to be a whole bunch of quotes and remembering everything. so i'm going to read my notes and study quotes. there we go.

bio i need to read the five chapters again. no big deal.

main street by sinclair lewis

you know a book is going to be good when you've only read 3 pages and you've already found awesome quotes.

"Most of the girls who were not betrothed meant to be teachers. Of these were two sorts: careless young women who admitted that they intented to leave the 'beastly classroom and grubby children' the minute they had a chance to marry; and studious, sometimes bulbous-browed and pop-eyed maidens who at class prayer-meetings requested God to 'guide their feet along the paths of greatest usefulness.' neither sort tempted Carol" (9).

"She was on the peak that Sunday afternoon when she played in the chapel. Out of the dusk her violin took up the organ theme, and the candle-light revealed her in a straight golden frock, her arm arched to the bow, her lips serious. Every man fell in love then with religion and Carol" (9).

"Her eyes mothered the world" (10).

i'm going to enjoy this book. (:

i'm not inspired at all today

bare with me... this could be incredibly painful to read.

everyone is going to think this is lame, whatever.

i've had incredibly successful statuses lately.... hahahahhaa

my fort's bringing me a lot of luck i guess

i hope that stands true so that midterms will be a breeze.

i decided that i'm not going to stress about economics anymore with help from emily.

it's not even worth worrying. it's just my first midterm.

i just watched jersey shore and laughed SO hard. i can't even believe that i laughed that much over a show.

tonight is tuesday. i need to keep reminding myself that...

tonight is glee. but another old one because they suck and aren't putting new episodes up until february.

tomorrow is wednesday and that means mcms for a couple of hours.

i'm so glad that our performance was rescheduled. we sounded terrible.

i don't know what else to tell you...

it's still snowing out!

i need to study.

why didn't i use this day to do that?

because i was shoveling. ew.

okay, enough.

economics.

can die.

i don't even know what economics means.

but i know pretty much every other term that we had to learn.

i'm not ready for this.

but i don't want a snow day, surprisingly. and we probably won't have a snow day (not surprisingly)

i can't wait for economics to be over

at this point, it's ridiculous.

i honestly hope that i got a 100% on my stock market project because i'm failing the midterm.

i've been doing the business plan for 2 and a half hours.

why doesn't Word cooperate with me?

why do people have terrible grammar?

why did i volunteer for this part?

i need to study and hide in my fort.

i need to finish that worksheet thing so i can get 10 points added to my test. i'm going to need them.

i also need to get an A in this class because i need to prove to myself that i can.

okay, i need to go write half of the business plan now.

i really want to make a fort

when we were younger, my brother and i used to pull the bed out from the couch and crawl around under it like it was a fort.

we used to have sock wars. (we'd put up laundry baskets as our fort and pile folded socks in them and throw them at eachother.) ((tell me we weren't the only ones to do this...))

tomorrow, to study for economics, i'm making a fort. in my room. and i'm going to blast music and no boys are allowed. and you're all jealous. (: i'll post pictures. don't worry.

also, i don't know what to do. i told people to send me their stuff for our business plan for this economics project tonight. and i got nothing. two people in my group don't have facebooks and i already got theirs. if i don't get their stuff by like 7 tomorrow i'm not putting it in. it's their fault.

i like having that kind of power... why did she make me manager... haha

i have a dentist appointment tomorrow. i've been flossing recently. hopefully i'll be okay. if not my mouth will be sore for 3 days. whoopie.

how relevant...

i should go take a shower now...

yeah, 11:45p.m. seems like the perfect time.

hahahahahahahahahaha

what's wrong with me?

you know how i said i wouldn't blog in the heat of the moment?

yeah, whatever.

even though my family and i have a good relationship, they're so annoying sometimes.

my mom said we weren't going skiing today. so then i was like "yay, we can go dress shopping." but no. we didn't even do that.

list of the things i've done today:

-felt sick.

-almost threw up.

-nothing.

-watched a very potter sequel.

-ate chinese food

-played mario kart terribly while my mother watched and made me frustrated.

my life sucks. no big deal.

i'm just super annoyed right now and it doesn't even make sense.

i wanna fall in love again

recently, upon talking to one of my best friends, i've come to the realization that i don't really want a relationship. i just like the thought; the chase.

that being said, i haven't been in a real relationship ever and a bad one in 3 years...

maybe i don't know what i want.

maybe i just love the thought of love. the feeling that two people can have for eachother but i've never really experienced. at all. (except for family members of course.)

but then again, who am i to say anything on this subject?

sometimes i use words other people have said...

"I am a Christian.

You might cringe at those words, because unfortunately, we’ve gotten a bad rap.

We’re the “God hates fags” guys. We’re the ones yelling at the women leaving abortion clinics. We’re the bad guys.

But myself? I like to think of myself and the people I know as different people.

I serve a God whose Son hung out with the ‘bad guys’. The whores, the drunkards, the liars, the cheats. I serve a God who has redeemed me. I’m not perfect. None of us are. And we’re all His children, and He loves us all the same whether we return that love or not.

I just wanted to say two things: I am so very sorry for those people. I am so very sorry for anyone who has hurt you, who has judged you instead of loving you because of their ‘personal beliefs’. I love you and I believe this, love is louder than anything. Hate is what nailed Him to the Cross and it sickens me to see my ‘fellow Christians’ practicing that same hate against others.

I love you. Regardless of age, sexual orientation, weight, height, physical beauty, attitude, social status, race. I love you for you.Because He loves me for me."

abby, stop posting blogs.

LUCKY SPOON NIGHT.

just sayin'...

i went to beginning band today to help.

the other clarinet helpers were 6th graders.

6th graders that I GAVE LESSONS TO.

that's not okay...

also, one of the flute helpers was in 5th grade.

that shouldn't be allowed.

thank you very much...

found poem for english (:

Mack, Elder, Leader, Mentor
Group of men
No families, no money, and no ambition
Search for contentment, contentment casually
Collected frogs
Living in large rusty pipes, the shadow of the black cypress
The flow and the vitality stiffened slightly
The Abbeville place property
Knock out windows, burn down
Keep an eye on it.

Had a wife
Turned sour, poisoned, hurt
Couldn’t stand it
Make the boys laugh, glad
This will teach me

Won’t remember nothing, won’t learn nothin’
Mack cried
Wreckage on the floor
It never come off that way
Clean up here
No you won’t

True philosophers know everything; survive
People tear themselves to pieces, they are relaxed
Sick men, with bad stomachs, and bad souls are healthy and clean
Satisfy
As simple as that.

From Cannery Row

things i remind myself every night

wake up in the morning with a smile because you made it.

be happy to be alive.

thank God for the day.

it gets better.

i really want a cupcake...

i redid my white board.

i'm so weird...

like, who would've thought that i'd use this thing so much.

the zenith of my creativity is designing a white board. nice.

i have to:

do my found poem (fun!)

a ton of french homework?

and possibly get gloves for economics cookie selling tomorrow

easy-ish night.

200?

so i was looking at the number of posts i had written last night for the first time in a week or two...

this post. right here. right now. that you are reading. is my 200th post on blogger.com.

what?

this is like surreal.

i joined this site a little over a year ago.

it feels like i just wrote my 100th. and then my 150th.

but 200 posts?

every time i reach one of these 50 milestones i always thank people who have read them all.

so thank you for the 4th time (:

notice how i didn't put this one off? (:

i'm getting better at just writing what i need to say.

yay!

i need to practice. (i sound like this kid i know...)

ok, byeee (:

smiley face count: 3!

newwwwwww

new everything.

like it?

i do (:

i don't want to die here

i've just wanted to write and write and write.

once i actually go to do it there are no words.

no expressions.

no feelings.

just emptiness.

or rather, my mind is too full of thoughts that i can't pick one out and put it onto virtual paper.

how many different ways can i write about writer's block?

"all i ask from anyone is to just be themselves

and be honest with themselves

that way they can realize who they are and stop with the walls and barriers and masks"

i don't know why i put quotes around that because i said it...

just said that to someone after he said that "he's not really like this."

i guess if you realize that you're not acting like "yourself" then you know who "yourself" is.

basically, if i could sit down with Abby Desharnais i would ask her so many questions. i would wonder how her life is. i would ask her what shes loves and what she hates. what are her aspirations?

some of these things i think i know... but what if i had never met anyone in my life. would my opinions be different?

if i were surrounded by a COMPLETELY different group of people from a different state across the US, would i be a different person?

...just some things keeping me up at night.

what's love got to do with it?

it's interesting making new friends.
and these new friends were made on my own.
without being introduced by other people, and by actually denying my previous opinion of them. and friendships like this make me feel better about my social skills.

i realized that i can't be dependent on other people my entire life to help me make connections. i need to think for myself. this mainly came into my head because i was thinking about college. i want to go to keene state SUPER badly. there aren't many people from central that i'm friends with that also want to go there as their first choice, if any. going to college will be an experience unlike any other. leaving my parents for any long period of time really does make me upset. we have a good relationship.

speaking of that, i realized that i'm lucky. recently a friend of mine has been having a ton of trouble in the parent department. this friend always fights with her mom and her parents are divorcing. i can never picture my parents and i in that situation. like i said, we have a good relationship. they respect my privacy and if they feel like something's bothering me they'll ask about it. but not persistently. and they let me do things unless they feel like it's not worth my time. they get how to be a parent of a teenager. we understand each other. i'm lucky.

in band today we played this piece. playing the first part really puts things into perspective for me. next year i'll most likely be section leader. while i'm not larry, i can do this. that realization hit me today. i can do this. and while that may not sound like anything to any of you, it's a big step. not only can i do this, but i'm excited to.

so i told myself not to think to far ahead into the future. maybe one week at a time. but how can i do that? what's life if you just take it piece by piece? i like to look at the big picture. i like to plan things out for myself. why would i change something that i like to do?

moral of the story: you can do it.

one more thing...

just saw the trailer for mean girls two.

speaking for all of america i have to say "oh HELL no."

awesome.

my first post of 2011 was a dud... hahhaa

i finished my bio homework. because she's psychotic. (that needs to be put after every mention of bio ever.)

now i'm just gunna go read 5 chapters of Cannery Row. because i love it.

also, my neighbors chimney caught on fire? or something. there were firetrucks outside for an hour or two. :/ i'm pretty sure everyone's fine. but their chimney probably isn't. anyway, i love that they showed up right away. that's reassuring.

"I'm trying this new thing called being honest with myself. How am I doing so far?"

i think this is going to be my main new years resolution. being honest with myself and other people.

and yeah!

i've had this page open for honestly half an hour.

and i couldn't think of a word to write.

i do that sometimes... i just can't write anything.

/pointless.