who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?

i need to allow myself to just break down and get rid of all the sadness i have locked up.
i don't need it anymore. and i don't like having it there.
a lot of things have been going right in my life, and i don't need this locked up sadness about nothing there to drag me down.

i wish i could just make myself cry... but it doesn't happen like that (regardless of the popular belief.) crying doesn't come easily to me and i don't enjoy doing it.
in order for me to cry, there has to be a legitimate reason then and there.

i don't know why i've put on a front to hide my feelings.
i guess i just was never really sure who'd be there to help me... after i've helped so many people.

you know what's funny?
i give advice to people about experiences i haven't even had.
i don't know how i know what to say. they love listening to me though.
those words can't be mine... i don't know what i'm talking about half of the time.
i like being the person that my friends can count on.
i like being there for them... even if they don't want me to be.


i need to have a day where i can just cry out all the bad things and start fresh.
that would be really nice.

I LIKE CAPITALS?

one fine monday morning, abby was sitting at her kitchen counter...

then it happened.

"what happened?" you may be thiinking..

well. i'm not telling you.
this is a mystery.
hold on your.. helmet as you discover the mystery of the missing abby.
(AND THE DISCOVERY OF CAPITALS.)

at precisely 1000, a silver boxy gangster car pulled out of the driveway.

(except it wasn't even really precisely. that's a lie. it was more like, "WAIT. TURN AROUND. I FORGOT MY CELLPHONE." "DANG APPLES. I NEED THE CHIPS." etc.)

and it turned down the street. where did this car go?

good question.

abby was enjoying a nice cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese when she heard an engine pull up. "GOLLY GEE," she exclaimed, and ran outside in her purple shirt (and regular not purple pants. pants are a very important part of life. in our generation, you will not be reprehended for not wearing pants though. there's this new fashion where you wear leggings, and then it's alright if you walk around with a lack of pants. oh life.) and asked, "WHO ARE YOU STRANGER? WHY DID YOU COME HITHER? I DON'T BELIEVE THAT I MADE THIS STRUMPET REQUEST AT YOU." well, it wasn't really asking. technically it was, but she was frantically shouting it, so it counts, but not really.

a ninja jumped out of the car, and said,
"abby. don't judge.
"or i'll kill you.
no joke, yo."

"no way, jose," abby replied. "you are a liar butt, giraffe eared, donkey nosed, turdy face. you couldn't kill me if you tried."

"yes, yes i am," shot back the stranger,

without missing a beat.

"and i accept myself. so it's okay. but i could kill you.i killed your first pet.. beaver."

"I NEVER HAD A PET BEAVER. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A LIAR?"

"YOU KNOW WHY."

abby was astounded. this stranger was sassafras. they were sassy, and they were frassy. epic win. like odysseus. odysseus from the odyssey. you know, big thigh muscles, and the extreme shoulder muscles that allow him to throw javelins really far? yeah him. abby wished that she was able to throw javelins really far. she had wished for this every single year for CHRISTMAS (YAY CHRISTMAS. IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.) but unfortunately, santa never dropped off extreme shoulder muscles for her, so when she noticed this epic win, abby broke down in tears, and dropped to her kneees, screaming,
"WHY SANTA? WHYYY? IF YOU REPLY 'YOU KNOW WHY,' I WILL STEAL EMO SPOON AND CUT MYSELF."

word to the wise.basically, you will only know who emo spoon is if you're wise. and if you don't remember, then you fail at life and that's why you have no friends.

so anyway. the stranger was very confused because she was all, "wait. emo spoon? how would you even steal that? that's locked away in my closet."

SUDDEN REALIZATION STRUCK.
"oh crap," was all abby heard and then there was a POOF and the stranger was gone.

the end.
guess who?
(:

well this sucks.

i've had the worst week that i've had in a while.
formspring is ridiculously the greatest thing ever. i love being told that i'm a fat whore and that the person that played the same role as me in the musical last year was better.
but don't get me wrong... i love reading these. seriously
i'm glad to see what people have to say about me

today, i was supposed to go to someone's house to work with our english group on our project.
they texted me at 11:30 saying "you know we're meeting at 11 right?" well guess what, you're a little late. if you wanted to make sure that i was there.. you should've asked before 11. thanks.


i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling like i'm not needed. i hate feeling like people don't like me.
i was told yestarday that everyone likes me (: and i said apparently not... but it's ok. you can't be liked by everyone. not even jesus was loved by everyone.

i'm not perfect and don't claim to be. so before you start pointing fingers, make sure your own hands are clean.

i'm currently watching raise it up. and i really love this movie. i wish syms was really like this (: with everyone playing music outside and joining in.

hopefully the rest of today will be better... what a great start to vacation.

strengths and weaknesses?

in confirmation class tonight, we were asked to write our strengths and weaknesses.
i wrote down my weaknesses without hesitating.
and then it came down to the strengths... and it took my like 5 minutes to come up with one. i wrote "kind" and then took another few minutes to think some more.
and then we were told to think about what jesus would tell us about these qualities.
i wrote that jesus would tell me that i have more strengths than i think i do, which is true.

my mom is my confirmation class teacher. i think it's keeping me from opening up as much as i would otherwise.

i really want to ask what people think my strengths an weaknesses are... but i'm afraid of the results.

biggest fears?
failing.
people expressing their real thoughts about me
dieing a painful and early death.
ghosts. (like, no joke.)

this is a weird place to end... but i'm ending it.

best. thing. ever.

so we were talking about how if he ever got an award for doing something, i would call an emergency movie night during his acceptance speech and elf would start playing. (he hasn't seen elf. like seriously? how deprived can you get?) anyway... so he said that kanye would come up during elf and start rapping. and i said that if kanye came up and interrupted elf, i would chris brown him.

and then he said " And then if he tries to 'Chris Brown' you back, I'll go 'Dick Cheney' on him with a nerf gun. Hunting incidents." oh my god. that's the greatest thing i've ever heard in my life (:

order, chaos and change

that's the theme of the month.
technically, it's just for english... but my life is sort of like this as well.
some days are orderly, most are chaotic. and i'm SO ready for a change.

it's time to wake up and tell myself what i really want out of life.
and it's time to start achieving it.
this seems like a big deal and something that could wait a little while.. but it's been a long time coming.
i've made my fair share of mistakes. they're extremely personal and no one knows about them.
that's a big deal for me; keeping a secret for so long and all to myself.
no. i'm not going to reveal my mistakes to you.
it's not necessary. i just hate people thinking that i'm such a good person.
( i do love attempting to fit this mold. it makes me feel good that people think this about me.)
but i feel like i'm living a lie sometimes. and i need to start to become that person that people think i am.

i've noticed that people have been asking questions around me that have to do with the catholic religion. this has been happening a lot. i feel like my knowledge is being tested.

and i love it.

i love answering people's questions and knowing that i did this to the best of my ability.

i went to my grandparents house last weekend for my mom's 50th birthday. (yes, she's 50. can you believe it?!) and we went to their church. although i enjoy the masses at my church, their mass was more enjoyable. i'm not exactly sure why. one of the readings was from paul to the corinthians. 12:31-13:13.
(this is rather long.. but it's worth it.)
"Love is patient; love it kind. Love is not jealous, it does not put on airs, it is not snobbish. Love is never rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not prone to anger; neither does it brood over injuries. Love does not rejoice in what is wrong but rejoices with the truth. There is no limit to love's forbearance, to its trust, its hope, its power to endure.
Love never fails."

there it is ladies and gentlemen... gods instructions to us on love.

sorry this is such a long blog.
does anyone even read this? haha, i wouldn't be surprised if you didn't. it's ok.
this is more of me writing my thoughts down... that's why it's so random

thanks for reading if you did.
thanks for attempting to keep up with my thoughts.
remember that love never fails.