and i know i know you're in love with me and i've been ignoring you.

...and i will be alone for probably the rest of my life.

everything's been the front bottoms and legs like tree trunks recently. and i'm okay with it.
i'm not okay though. not even a little. i'm just really good at pretending to be.
but my mom noticed the other day... "you've seemed really sad lately abby."
not a question, a statement.
maybe it's seasonal. but i doubt it.

it's just so hard to wake up every day and know that i'm not doing anything right.
it's hard. everything is.

i don't know how much longer i can keep up this act.

remember when this was a thing that existed? yeah, me neither.
i need to read basically all of my books. and i need to continue practicing for allstate. and i need to figure out how the whole college thing works.
it would also be cool if i could stop being sad all of the time...
but it's hard. there's a lot of forces that are making it hard to stay positive. new forces that i'm not used to and probably will never get used to even when they get here and then take off and leave me alone.

alone. that's what i'm feeling.

sorry. i'm tired of self-pity from myself and from everyone.

i wish i didn't know who made it to the next round in the whole job process.
that just makes me feel worse about myself.
i wanted it so badly.

i'm just so upset.
i should be used to this feeling by now, of not getting what i want.
but it hurts every time.

sometimes

sometimes reading brings me to a place i don't like to go to.
sometimes i go to a place where it's dark and i swimming in thoughts.
sometimes i don't like the thoughts.
sometimes i wish the thoughts would just go away.

sometimes i realize that i just read three books, each in a day and these thoughts aren't really mine, but the character's. and then things go back to normal.

and i'll be okay

don't mind me, i just suck

you know what i love? writing research papers... so much...
i also love being told that i don't know what i'm doing. and that my "research paper" is more of a thesis paper. ohhh, i also love being told that my topic isn't orginal and that i need to develop and argument.
oh but my favorite thing is getting 70's on everything paper-related that we passed in.
i love that the most.

apparently it's not possible for me to be successful in history. why should i even put in an effort if you're not putting in an effort to actually read what i have?
i'm so sick of this. i'm also sick of feeling like an idiot every day and sitting in that class literally not knowing anything.
it kind of sucks, you know?

but, there's only another week of this shit and then i'm not taking history again.

oh hey, i have a job interview tomorrow...
good thing i'm really good at faking being in a good mood...

i just need sleep and more picnics and frisbees.

you are the best thing about this place

ahhh.
blogging? what's that?

i talked to jake for the first time in 4 months today.
he's in new zealand and in the future and stuff.
i didn't cry when he left. probably because i was getting the car.
but saying goodbye to him is the saddest thing i've done in a while.
i miss him so much.
ahhh.

there's something not quite right here; there's something out of place here

sometimes things happen in my life that i need to reflect on.

so allstate happened. and it was a beautiful experience and i've never been in an ensemble that sounded so good and was so passionate about what they were creating.
my conductor wasn't my favorite... i like him as a person, sure, but his style wasn't the best.
i need a downbeat... he didn't give it to me... it was rough but it's okay.
sam put it the best "he taught us for the test." we accomplished the pieces and played the crap out of them but i didn't really learn much from the experience.
don't get me wrong, it was beautiful to be there and i'm so grateful for that opportunity but past festivals have been better.

also, i was recently accepted into national honor society.
i literally told myself that i would not get accepted because i thought i knew that they wouldn't accept me. basically, my applications weren't fully completed. i didn't get signatures for everything i needed to. i mean, i met the requirements definitely but other people are probably more deserving than i am that didn't make it. actually, i don't know if they turned anyone away...
anyway, that happened and my dad is happy. which is good.
"this is good for next year abby."
i know dad. scholarships are all you care about...

speaking of... SATs are happening.
i have this 1000 page book in front of me teaching me how to take the test and latin words i should be familiar with and prefixes and vocab words...
honestly, is it bad that i don't care?
these tests are designed for what is already in your head-brain. i shouldn't need to study for it...

it'll be okay.
everything will be okay.
we'll get through it.

my birthday is in a month from tomorrow. 17 is such an unfortunate age...

you know what's a good time?

writing your research paper at 1 in the morning.

it's like your mind opens up to this whole new world involving a broader vocabulary and knowledge of things you never knew before.

i don't get how my brain works... but my best writing happens either when i'm the most distracted or when it's really late/really early.

also, i'm just tired so this paper may be absolute shit. but whatever because yolo. hahahaha, i hate myself.

it's always darkest before the dawn

i feel like i just wrote the post stating that march is here...

now next week is april.

where is the time going?

i don't want to grow up...

i want to stay in junior year for a little bit longer.

i need to get a job. other than giving 5 lessons.

but seriously, i could only work 3 days a week without killing myself and doing even less homework than i do now.

3 days... i guess that's 3 days more money than i'm making now.

need to apply to bed bath and beyond. i have the application... i'm just lazy and scared.

working is a scary concept to me.

writing part of my research paper right now.

i sound very unintelligent in it.

time for a writing conference totes.

also, i'm tired. i'm thinking of taking a day off.

probs not. but i'm thinking about it.

i'm running on 4 hours of sleep and trying to do chem stuff that i don't understand.

needless to say it's ending in tears.

i've never had an issue with chem...

MEHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i quit school.

morning will come and i'll do what's right
just give me til then to give up this fight
and i will give up this fight

'cause i can't make you love me when you don't.

you can't make your heart feel, something that it won't

and here in the dark

in these final hours

i will lay down my heart

i will feel the power

but you won't, no you won't

'cause i can't make you love me if you don't...

morning will come and i'll do what's right
just give me til then to give up this fight
and i will give up this fight

'cause i can't make you love me when you don't.

you can't make your heart feel, something that it won't

and here in the dark

in these final hours

i will lay down my heart

i will feel the power

but you won't, no you won't

'cause i can't make you love me if you don't...

i can't keep doing this to myself.
i need to get myself together.

spending way too much time worrying and feeling things for other people.
"i am not a gardener."
quoting myself. whatever.

i can't even type things out because that makes them that much more real.
if the thoughts that i have just stay in my head, they're just thoughts and nothing more.


march is here.
everything is too real and coming too soon.
can time just slow down?
daylight savings pushes it forward even further.

hi olivia

today was my dad's birthday.
happy birthday to him!

i went to zumba this morning and it made me want a gym membership.
not really zumbaing itself but being at a gym. i want to just use elliptical all the time.
but i need a job first.
so like... i need to start applying places. i'll do that over february vacation.
i really want to work at yankee candle...

i took a nap today. that was nice.

CAMP MEETING. that was fun too.
we made brownies within the first 20 minutes of us getting there. haha, i love it.
i don't love someone else being a song leader. that's my thing... it's awkward...

jake's leaving tomorrow. that's gonna be hard.
i'm pretty sure the only thing keeping me from being upset is that i get to use the car...
but yeah. 5 months in new zealand... lucky guy. going to the shire and stuff.
i wrote a poem about it. hahaa, my life...

slamstud on thursday. it'll be interesting and intimidating.
mostly because steve and isaac. and how can you not just laugh when they're around?
let's be honest...

i'm not a fan of this one...

pimple.
when I look at you it's as if I walked into a dump full of plastic bags tampled and rippled by wheels of trucks, soil covered newspapers damp with the oil leaking from old exhausts left to rust.
your appearance ins't welcomed at any party, reunion, graduation, or occasion.
yet you show up anyway.
as adele would say "out of the blue, uninvited"
you couldn't stay away for one day?
might as well get ready in the dark.
the scars you leave are worse than the freckles left from prolonged exposure to the sun.
they're unavoidable, much like strech marks on a pregnant woman's stomach.
you're not welcome, painful and unappealing.
and not even with a pop! do you disappear.

this one turned into more of a story than a poem...

Brother
or should I call you Grizzly Adams?
the ferocity with which a beard grows on your face is stronger than the old green truck's horsepower.
what does your chin look like again?
and you push 2 inches of curly brown hair back to show the true shape of your face... we laugh.
up in Burlington it's necessary to have a face-scarf so that when you're boarding at Winter Warlock's home, your beard can collect icicles. Hey, it makes for a good picture, doesn't it?
Comparing your 21 year old self to your 12 year old self (because 21 and 12 are the same backwards and who doesn't appreciate symmetry?) makes me uncomfortable because I've seen you grow up.
and although you're older than me I feel like your maturity has always been that of a 12 year old boy and even with all of that hair on your face you can't hide the boy who loved dragonball z and collected Pokemon cards or the boy scout and alter server.
you'll always be stronger than me and you'll always be able to make me laugh
and when you leave for New Zealand I know you'll come back
but I'll miss you just the same
and the way you push your beard back to show your true face.
"Do you condition it?" ...he does.

sooo report cards came out today

i got a b on my us history midterm. i'm so excited and confused.
at the end of the day, i did better on my history midterm than english because i was so incredibly focused on history.
i studied for 3 hours....
(freshman year i studied for 5 hours for civics and got a d on that...)
anyway... i got a b. and a C+ for the semester. and i couldn't be happier about that because i was so worried.

i'm now ranked 34th... i used to be 27th. it's not that big of a deal really... but dropping 7 spots isn't cool. also, i'm not in the top 30 anymore... which is sad.
maybe i can work my way back in there. 4.0 second semester.... haha...

it's silly how much people care about school.
i hate how much of a competition it is.
and i HATE people who go up to teachers asking them to round up their grades. you got what you deserved... what you put work in for.
i mean, yeah it's annoying that you got an 89% but if you were to do just a little better on your own you could've gotten that a. maybe i'm just being bitter... because i might do that same thing in that situation. but i just find it annoying.

it's february... i can't even comprehend how short this year has been...

history homework
english homework
sleep.
more history during mod b/e tomorrow.
i will get a b in this class...

anyone want to go to a monarch's game with me? no? okay...
i would go by myself but that would be weird. and lonely.

semi was fun

i like dancing. and i like jumping. and i like that everyone just takes there shoes off after the first half hour. and i like getting people that are uncomfortable dancing to dance.
i like my friends and i like dressing up. i like coordinating eye shadow perfectly to a dress. i like smokey eyes. i like winging eyeliner. i like having opportunities to get creative with makeup.

i don't like stepping in sprite while barefoot ): i don't like people who aren't very classy at dances... i don't like the effects of alcohol on some people.

i need to drink tea and practice my allstate music. because runs are hard.
gahhh mechanics. this is what happens when you play the clarinet...

and BOOM goes the shower inspiration

so i appear to be 5 foot 7 but in reality i feel like i’m 3 foot 11
because the weight of the world is pushing me down
and i feel like i should weigh 500 pounds
because to carry all of that weight you have to be strong
and i can’t carry the world very long.
you see, with all of this weight i feel like looking at the ground
but i keep my head up and look to the clouds
because i know that up there, no one cares
if you’re black or you’re blue, or if you have gray hairs.
down here, they try to tell me to write like this or that
but up there they don’t judge; skinny or fat.
i can’t live up to everyone’s expectations
whether it’s writing or music, i have no explanation
i’m not a progidy with with all of their fans
because when i play the clarinet it’s with my own two hands.

i really like this...

also, i just realized i've been on blogger for 3 years and a month.... hahahahaha
this is a funny concept to me. because that's a long time to be doing something.

i'm committed i guess. if there were ever something to say about me it would be that.
i'm not very motivated, but i'm committed. are those the same? not really.

i can be committed without being motivated. that's basically everything i do!

how many grams of solid sodium carbonate should theoretically be made by the reaction of 4.00g of NaHCO(3)?
conversions are fun.

things are about to get personal.

so i can't even listen to strawberry by paul baribeau sometimes. just because it reminds me of this one night. and ugh.

also, everytime i see a high ropes course again in my life i'll be brought back to this other day.

what do these both have in common? well, a mistake clearly. but also memories that are really nice to think about but can't happen again.

the ropes course though... i can't even begin.
none of you that read this were there... so it won't even make sense.
it was raining. it was so much fun.

strawberry. stars. meh.

okay, yeah.

i'm "studying" for chem right now. to be honest, i could care less about this midterm. it'll be cake. i'll be fine. no worries.

lists and things

concert tomorrow...
i'm playing tenor. i'm also to oldest one in the ensemble other than my mother...
it's all for mr. doyle.. haha, helping out our buddy.
i think i'll curl my hair. because it looks nice like that and it'll be a test run for curling it for semi.

semi...
dress shopping is always a weird and bittersweet experience for me.
i'll see all of these dresses that look nice and then look at sizes and have to walk away from them.
shopping in general is always hard.
it's always been this way.

so i find that i'm most productive when i make lists.
tomorrow: -wake up at 9:45.
-get ready, concert. staying at the concert to listen to friends play music.
-then home.
-probably chem review sheets, making sure my cheat sheets have everything i need.
(basically i only need a 66% to pass chem with an A. haha... i really like chemistry...)
-then practicing allstate stuff and scales because band midterm...
-then starting history review early.
-oh, and math packet at some point?
okay. i can do this.

slam poetry inspired me... hahaha

16 years.
i've been on this earth for only 16 years.
all of the things i've experience, all that i know doesn't even compare to that of those older and superior to me.
what i do know?
never in my life have i been without a meal on my dining room table or a roof over my head.
never in my life have i not had the supplies needed to achieve everything that i aspired to have.
never in my life have i suffered.
how can people be so ignorant?
how do you not love your parents?
these are the questions i may never get the answers to.
the hardest thing for me to grasp is how someone who has so much care so little about it?
i'm so thankful every single day for the opportunities life presents me.
i'm so thankful every morning to wake up and know that when i get home, there will still be a roof over my head and food on the dining room table.
i'm so thankful every night when i can take a shower with hot water and sleep in a warm bed.
how can you not love your parents?
these are the questions i may never get the answers to.

sometimes i just sit and laugh at my life.

hahaha, what am i doing.

so, history homework... that's a cool concept.
and reading muchos chapters of uncle tom's cabin... that's a cool concept.

like, actually doing amstud homework would really be worth it.
it really would.
i just suck. basically.

what. am. i doing.

great. awesome.
there's nothing i can't stand more than waiting all day for something to happen and then being let down.