maybe a lot of the time it's not people coming to me with problems but me looking to fix "broken" people.
but not everyone's broken!

maybe i need to stop thinking about how often i deal with problems that aren't my own.

literally school is the most nauseating thing in the world right now.
i can't picture myself sitting in a classroom listening to a lecture that i don't understand. or having to write a paper on rebirth symbolism in moby dick. i thought we finished that book...
actually, i'm really glad she gave the "hawaiians" and extension on that paper.
all i want to do really is go to chem and talk to doc about marcell the shell with shoes on... because doc is the cutest.

tomorrow will be good... and productive.

i just really want my room to be clean and not have to put in the work...

i just want all of this to stop.

"I'm tired of carrying around the weight of the world. I'm just going to lay it down now" -May, Secret Life of Bees.
i mean, this was May's suicide note... but i can relate to these words.

in all honesty, if i didn't listen to anyone else's problems, i wouldn't have any problems in my life. everything's going pretty alright for me personally... i'm just tired of carrying around the weight of the world. i'm tired of being that girl. i told my mom that today and she said "so don't be." but i don't know how to just stop caring about everyone else. and i can't give up on these people that need my help.

"but sometimes i'm scared right out of my mind, and sometimes i just get angry
because i've been let down by the people that i love
but i will not let down the people who love me" -paul baribeau, never get to know.

ha, what's us history?

hawaii was beautiful. i'm so sad to be back.

i'm currently so tired.

and not just physically. i'm emotionally tired.

basically, in hawaii everyone was like "hey abby, i'm going to tell you everything that's ever been wrong in my life now and you're going to have to carry this with you. sound good? okay so this and this and this happened. what do you think of that?"

there's only so much i can take...

i'm not a doctor... i'm happy to sit with you and listen and help.

i'm glad you trust me with this information.

but... for once i'd like to enjoy myself instead of worrying about EVERYONE else.

...i'm such a mom.

"you'd be good together. he needs someone like you."

...let's just go repeat history...

sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough

and things go wrong no matter what i do.

can i just say that while this month has been great, the amount of suckage in this month is much greater than others.

i just don't understand how things can be going so right and then turn so terribly wrong.

my grandfather died this morning of alzheimer's. his birthday is this friday. he'd had alzheimer's for 5ish years. when he was first diagnosed i remember going to visit and not fully understanding why he didn't know who i was or why he was uncomfortable to hug me. now i know that it's because i was a stranger.

my grandmother is apparently very down. she's never been alone in her life. she visited him every day in the nursing homes. i just worry about her.

my dad cried in front of me for the first time. that made me cry. i'm not expecting him to be strong. he came home today and walked in my room and asked if he could hug me. when did we get to this point in our relationship where he has to ask to do that? i'm really grateful to have him in my life. i have probably the most supportive and incredible family.

i don't know how to deal with death. there has been so much of it this month. it's funny how when this season comes around and the plants start to die and everything starts to slow down that death is just so prominent. it's almost fitting in a weird way.

i'm not too incredibly shaken up which worries me. i mean, i've been anticipating this day for 5 years.

alzheimer's is such a depressing thing. to think that your brain is slowly losing all of its memories and abilities and eventually leading to your death. that is the slowest way to die.

at least now Papa is whole again. he's probably up there looking down at us and seeing how much we've grown in the five years he's been gone. i hope he's proud of who we've become.

it's so stupid of me, but i'm being very selfish here. the wake is scheduled for friday afternoon and i will most likely miss school for it. on top of missing friday i'm out all of next week for hawaii. and friday is an important day to be in school seeing as it's the last day for a week. teacher's planned so many things on friday... i have two test and a paper. and to grab makeup work.

i'm just so unbelievably stressed and i'm so frustrated with myself because that is so selfish.

Rest in Peace Robert Desharnais. there is so much love down here for you. i'm sure you're looking down at all of us with your welcoming smile. i'll miss your hugs and even though you never said much i know that you loved all of us.

but i like to think that at least things can't get any worse

florence <333

anyway.

okay. here's what's been going on lately.

sport's awards night.

-michelle won the little green! field hockey was repping!

-i won mvp? WHAT?

-my coaches nominated me for the allstate team?! wahttTT??!

-varsity letter <3

allstate audition

-they were running half an hour late. that was the worst part... waiting.

-they called my name. i walked into the room and was super relaxed.

-the speaker told me to play the hardest part of the first song. i sighed because i knew it was going to happen... i did iffy. (the person before me was worse...)
-i did way better on the other stuff.

-i went to play my scales. i forgot how to play the clarinet momentarily... they people were like "uhhh, do you want to try that again?" ... embarrassing.. haha

-my chromatic scale was PERFECT.

-i walked back and was like "k, donee..."

school today

-i made allstate.

-WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

-honestly didn't think i would. i am one of 14 clarinets in the state that made it. whoa.

-obama decided that central was a cool place to come to school... playing for him tomorrow. not even going to classes. that's totes okay with me.

after school today

-MY CAMERA CAME.

-it's beautiful... no one understands because no one has seen it...

-i need to figure out how to work all of the different modes. i feel like a n00b...

honestly. i don't deserve all of these good things happening to me right now.

i'm just this lazy kid that has really good luck... (if only this applied to history tests...)

i need to go read moby dick and try not to fall asleep. this book is... melville-y..

he's trying to hard to make it an all-american classic. and it's annoying.

a whole chapter describing the color white? really melville? really?

everything's beautiful and nothing hurts.

can we just read vonnegut for the rest of the year?