i used to want you so bad

i'm so through with that

'cause honestly you turned out to be the

best thing i never had

i got my schedule. i guess i'm okay with it.

same exact classes as tracey... none with megan...

words with friends is taking up my life...

what else is new? hahaha

and for once it might be grand to have someone understand.

i want so much more than they've got planned...

quoting beauty and the beast to start off a blog post. gonna be a good one.

tomorrow's freshman orientation. awww yeah. i get to participate... haha

lesson!

ugh. so helpful. i wish i had lessons every week.

she's so nice and wonderful.

main points:

-she said i had an awesome tone.

-she said i should get a better mouthpiece.

-she said i should be all set and that i've got some pieces down.
-my speed was good.

-YAY!

basically, she helped so much and she's like "i'd love to have a few more lessons with you!"

we played together too. ugh, so awesome.

i'm having a legitimate lesson tomorrow

a clarinet lesson. with a legitimate instructor.

that's never happened before.

basically, my skill level is what i've learned from my mother, syms, and myself.

i've basically taught myself everything.

and i'm a little excited to figure out if what i know is completely wrong or not.

and i'm pretty nervous to see if i'm halfway as decent as i think i am.

like, whenever i think i sound good i might not. and that scares me. because what if i have to change everything that i know?

change is good.

learning is good.

professionals are good.

stephanie is so nice! i really shouldn't worry.

she also knows how little i've practiced this music... hopefully she'll take that into consideration.

i've got two songs pretty much down. mechanics-wise at least. not up to speed or anything. but pretty consistently.

i'm really curious as to how she runs her lessons.

this is going to be an interesting experience.

it kills me

how i can't go more than an hour without seeing something that reminds me of you.

and now that i know that i'm wasting my time i just get frustrated with myself.

everything is just so confusing. and just weird. and i literally sit around for hours a day just thinking about what i'm doing with my life.

i feel like there's two sides here. there's things that i need to do to function normally and there are things that i do just because i can.

there's the school/field hockey/band side which takes up a lot of my life. but then there's the teenage blogger side. and that side is confused.

i've had moments recently where i sit and think about who i am.

typically i never come to a conclusion.

but i'm okay with that i think. i'm okay with the different sides. i wouldn't say that i have different personalities. because they all seem to collect into one.

i've just been doing a lot of thinking lately. things don't make sense.

i don't like it a lot of the time.

things make me cry. that's not a good time.

but then there's always the moment where i'm laying in bed and i look up and see those old glow in the dark stars on my ceiling and i think that everything's okay.

(this didn't make any sense.)

first driving adventure today

also, first driving follow train today.

i just really like driving. and i really like music.

and i really like being able to jam in the comfort of a vehicle by myself.

and i really like trying to belt out stuff that i normally wouldn't try and not be afraid of people judging me and then laughing when i can't do it.

and i like the fact that i can laugh at myself for it.

and i like that field hockey started. and that we're going to be awesome.

and i like that megan's birthday party is tomorrow and i'll get to see people that i typically don't see.

i don't like that i still have to read about 900 pages of summer reading stuff in 2 weeks.
shoot. literally two weeks from today. ew. no.

i made varsity field hockey

which is awesome because yaknow, varsity sports are cool. right?

i don't know, i'm happy. it's a big accomplishment.

now my friction burns just have to heal and everything will be all set...

(ugh, showering tonight is not going to be fun.)

i was gonna write about something more important than field hockey. but i forgot.

so it probably wasn't more important...

okay, bye

driving experiences...

i mean, i guess these things had to happen sooner or later.

i missed an exit today on the highway. that was super stupid. i second guessed myself. luckily i knew where the next exit let off in terms of where i needed to be. it all worked out. it was just super embarrassing.

i almost hit a deer today. that was terrifying. that's literally my biggest driving fear. i don't know why... but hitting any animal is just so scary to me. the window was open, and i heard a rustling. i looked over and saw the deer. and then it sprinted across the road like 10 feet in front of me and i was just thinking "please don't stop in front of me, i won't stop fast enough." but it kept going. oh man. so scary.

laugh attack at dinner tonight

like, the kind where i'm not making any sound, everyone's laughing at me and i'm crying.

those are my favorite (:

basically, you had to be there. but i'll explain it. (i'm literally laughing thinking about it again.)

so i sit across from my brother corey. the salad bowl was right in front of me. (that's the background information. [it just took me 8 tries to type information])

so he looks at the tv, looks back at me, glances towards the table and he says something. he mumbles a lot when he talks so sometimes i can't hear him. after he said what he said i lifted up the salad bowl to pass to him.

what i thought he said: "can i have some salad, too?"

what he really said: "i have this album too."

we listen to music on our tv. the 500's have music stations. yeah. haha

so i thought he was talking about the salad. he wasn't. it was really funny. the look on his face when i handed him the salad bowl was priceless. hahaha

i never realize how much time i spend waiting

like i literally waste so much of my life waiting for things to happen.

and when i look back at all of the things i could've accomplished instead of waiting it really sickens me.

every single person that i spend time on and wait for something to happen is the biggest waste of time ever though.

i mean, the during is nice. but the after i'm sitting here thinking about why.

but you don't like me, you just like the chase.

to be real, it doesn't matter anyway.

-jojo... hahaha

just annoyed, yaknow?

some days people piss me off.

and i can't do anything about it.

it's just this particular person that i can literally talk to about anything for any amount of time.

we're so completely different. i don't understand how our friendship works.

but we talk and talk and talk.

and then this person will say something and i'll just get so annoyed.

and most of the time i don't say anything.

but i've been trying this new thing lately where i say how i feel.

so... yeah.

you know what sucks?

when you run three miles and come home and your dad is like "LOLZ, LET'S HAVE THE MOST FATTENING FOOD ON THE PLANET. PIZZA!"

...thanks dad.

well, i did it.

and now i may regret it.

and i have goosebumps. and i'm a little nauseous. but i think this is for the better?

i'm nervous.

go to the ends of the earth for you...

to make you feel my love.

last summer i was

trying not to fall in love with anyone.

because there's way too much work to get done...

LOL blogging about people indirectly...

i'm trying really hard to work up the courage. i promise. i'm thinking about telling you.

i mean, since i think about you all the time i think about what would happen if i tell you.

there's really three options.

-things will change for the better

-things will change for the worse.

-nothing will change

and i think i'm okay with two of those options.

here's where i'm holding back.

-i don't want to compete with two other people.

-i can't compete with the two other people...

-i'm still trying to think of what i'll say.

-i'm still trying to think of how i'll say it.

-i'm afraid of that second option up there...

i'm only sure of maybe 4 people that read this blog.

the others i'm not completely sure about.

it's the other people that make me wonder.

and some of the things that i want to write i may not be able to just because of those other people.

When all of the beauty turns to pain
When all of the madness falls like rain
As long as we crash and we collide
We will be gorgeous, you and I.