but i don't say a lot of things...

and i think it's adorable that you keep that toy car in the pocket of your jacket.
and i think that you're probably the sweetest person i've ever met.

i always come back here when i'm exceptionally angry about english homework.
tonight is no different.
this is weird. it's been 4 months. i don't even miss it a little bit.

and i know i know you're in love with me and i've been ignoring you.

...and i will be alone for probably the rest of my life.

everything's been the front bottoms and legs like tree trunks recently. and i'm okay with it.
i'm not okay though. not even a little. i'm just really good at pretending to be.
but my mom noticed the other day... "you've seemed really sad lately abby."
not a question, a statement.
maybe it's seasonal. but i doubt it.

it's just so hard to wake up every day and know that i'm not doing anything right.
it's hard. everything is.

i don't know how much longer i can keep up this act.

remember when this was a thing that existed? yeah, me neither.
i need to read basically all of my books. and i need to continue practicing for allstate. and i need to figure out how the whole college thing works.
it would also be cool if i could stop being sad all of the time...
but it's hard. there's a lot of forces that are making it hard to stay positive. new forces that i'm not used to and probably will never get used to even when they get here and then take off and leave me alone.

alone. that's what i'm feeling.

sorry. i'm tired of self-pity from myself and from everyone.

i wish i didn't know who made it to the next round in the whole job process.
that just makes me feel worse about myself.
i wanted it so badly.

i'm just so upset.
i should be used to this feeling by now, of not getting what i want.
but it hurts every time.

sometimes

sometimes reading brings me to a place i don't like to go to.
sometimes i go to a place where it's dark and i swimming in thoughts.
sometimes i don't like the thoughts.
sometimes i wish the thoughts would just go away.

sometimes i realize that i just read three books, each in a day and these thoughts aren't really mine, but the character's. and then things go back to normal.

and i'll be okay