don't mind me, i just suck

you know what i love? writing research papers... so much...
i also love being told that i don't know what i'm doing. and that my "research paper" is more of a thesis paper. ohhh, i also love being told that my topic isn't orginal and that i need to develop and argument.
oh but my favorite thing is getting 70's on everything paper-related that we passed in.
i love that the most.

apparently it's not possible for me to be successful in history. why should i even put in an effort if you're not putting in an effort to actually read what i have?
i'm so sick of this. i'm also sick of feeling like an idiot every day and sitting in that class literally not knowing anything.
it kind of sucks, you know?

but, there's only another week of this shit and then i'm not taking history again.

oh hey, i have a job interview tomorrow...
good thing i'm really good at faking being in a good mood...

i just need sleep and more picnics and frisbees.

you are the best thing about this place

ahhh.
blogging? what's that?

i talked to jake for the first time in 4 months today.
he's in new zealand and in the future and stuff.
i didn't cry when he left. probably because i was getting the car.
but saying goodbye to him is the saddest thing i've done in a while.
i miss him so much.
ahhh.

there's something not quite right here; there's something out of place here

sometimes things happen in my life that i need to reflect on.

so allstate happened. and it was a beautiful experience and i've never been in an ensemble that sounded so good and was so passionate about what they were creating.
my conductor wasn't my favorite... i like him as a person, sure, but his style wasn't the best.
i need a downbeat... he didn't give it to me... it was rough but it's okay.
sam put it the best "he taught us for the test." we accomplished the pieces and played the crap out of them but i didn't really learn much from the experience.
don't get me wrong, it was beautiful to be there and i'm so grateful for that opportunity but past festivals have been better.

also, i was recently accepted into national honor society.
i literally told myself that i would not get accepted because i thought i knew that they wouldn't accept me. basically, my applications weren't fully completed. i didn't get signatures for everything i needed to. i mean, i met the requirements definitely but other people are probably more deserving than i am that didn't make it. actually, i don't know if they turned anyone away...
anyway, that happened and my dad is happy. which is good.
"this is good for next year abby."
i know dad. scholarships are all you care about...

speaking of... SATs are happening.
i have this 1000 page book in front of me teaching me how to take the test and latin words i should be familiar with and prefixes and vocab words...
honestly, is it bad that i don't care?
these tests are designed for what is already in your head-brain. i shouldn't need to study for it...

it'll be okay.
everything will be okay.
we'll get through it.

my birthday is in a month from tomorrow. 17 is such an unfortunate age...

you know what's a good time?

writing your research paper at 1 in the morning.

it's like your mind opens up to this whole new world involving a broader vocabulary and knowledge of things you never knew before.

i don't get how my brain works... but my best writing happens either when i'm the most distracted or when it's really late/really early.

also, i'm just tired so this paper may be absolute shit. but whatever because yolo. hahahaha, i hate myself.

it's always darkest before the dawn

i feel like i just wrote the post stating that march is here...

now next week is april.

where is the time going?

i don't want to grow up...

i want to stay in junior year for a little bit longer.

i need to get a job. other than giving 5 lessons.

but seriously, i could only work 3 days a week without killing myself and doing even less homework than i do now.

3 days... i guess that's 3 days more money than i'm making now.

need to apply to bed bath and beyond. i have the application... i'm just lazy and scared.

working is a scary concept to me.

writing part of my research paper right now.

i sound very unintelligent in it.

time for a writing conference totes.

also, i'm tired. i'm thinking of taking a day off.

probs not. but i'm thinking about it.